The Post Hogwarts Diary of Lily Evans
by Natalie Williams
Summary: The sequel to The Seventh Year Diary of Lily Evans.
1. Chapter One

June 18, 1978

I know I scared Mum and Dad with my constant "I need a new diary NOW" as soon as I got off the train.

James proposed. He actually PROPOSED. There was the graduation ceremony and then he took my hand and led me back up to the common room even though we were supposed to be going back to Hogsmeade, saying he wouldn't let me go without asking this. And he had a ring. I'd wondered if he was thinking about this but I couldn't imagine he'd been THINKING about this. I was shocked but I'd been expecting it but I hadn't and I said yes. Actually, I think I was too busy crying to say a clear "yes", but I hugged him and kissed him and I'm wearing the ring, so that constitutes a "yes", right?

Did I even actually say "yes"? I know I meant to.

I am wearing the ring. I'm amazed he HAD a ring, which makes me wonder a couple things, such as how LONG he was thinking about this. James must have told his friends that he was going to do this (of course) because as soon as we saw them, Sirius said, "You said yes? What were you thinking?" I haven't told my parents yet, and I really don't want to yet. I know there will be problems with it. But I am kind of hoping they notice the engagement ring so I don't have to announce it.

I am getting married. I'M GETTING MARRIED.

-----

June 19, 1978

I miss James. He's at home with his parents and Sirius, and I'm here. He's my fiance and we're not together. Maybe I'll Apparate over later. I'm all right doing that distance.

No one has noticed the ring. I don't want to have the fight that I know will happen, but I want them to know. I want to tell someone. I haven't even told Jane yet because I know she'll yell at me. She'd agree to be my maid of honor, though.

-----

June 20, 1978

I popped in to see James, who was very glad to see me. We've agreed to tell our families. We'll do it together so no one has to deal with an argument alone. We'll start with my parents tonight (!!!) and then his tomorrow before we got looking for our own flat. I questioned this, but I think he knows his parents won't argue with him on his birthday. I don't think they would take issue with it, though, or I didn't until James explained that he has to explain the ring. I'm not asking.

This won't go well. Dad had a pretty good reaction to the news that James and I are moving in together, but Mum didn't. She'll be upset and tell me I'm too young and try to talk me out of it. Eventually she'll say something to rile me and I'll explode and she will take that as a sign that she's right.

Maybe we'll elope.

...later...

It did not go well. It could have gone worse, though. Everything I said about my mum was spot on, except she did demand to know whether or not I'm pregnant. I should have expected that. My dad listened to her rant and rave, and then told her he's never had a reason to question my decisions, and congratulated us. He had a talk with James later, and now James is acting a bit funny. I'll assume threats were made. Mum is still angry with me. I'm not exactly sure why. I won't be some child bride who doesn't know what she's getting into. She was married at nineteen and had two children by 23, and it's worked out for her.

I brought up the idea of eloping to James, who said we could go right then. I had to back out very quickly. I've been planning my wedding since I was four. I'm going to have it.

-----

June 21, 1978

James' parents seem all right about the engagement. I think they knew it was coming. Considering our age and the timing, it seems like the only one that was surprised was my mother.

We had no real luck in finding a place. I think James is spoiled. I haven't seen him deal with money before, but he doesn't look at what the rent will be. If I ask him, he says we can afford it and that's all there is to it. That's all very well and good, but we shouldn't be spending money just because we can. He doesn't exactly throw it around, but he doesn't think about it. I must introduce him to this concept.

He didn't want to do anything elaborate for his birthday (a party at anyone's house is out of the question) so we went out with his friends after all the things we had to do. I've come to terms with the two Jameses. There's who he is when he's with me, and then there's the one his friends get to see. I think the line is blurring, though. I don't see such a difference in the two anymore. I don't know if it's a change in him or a change in the way I see him.

-----

June 22, 1978

More flat hunting (entirely pointless, by the way), followed by an Order meeting that we were suddenly called to. I should have expected to see all of James' friends there, really. The five of us are the newest members, so the meeting was basically for Dumbledore to fill us in on everything. They're doing some amazing things. The Aurors and such are against Voldemort, it's not as if the Ministry hasn't taken an active stand against him, but the Order is doing things the Ministry won't. One of the people involved, Moody, actually is an Auror who's helping us. I don't know a lot of people, though I met Gideon Prewett at New Year's and of course there's McGonagall and Hagrid (which I hadn't been expecting). I haven't felt this NEW since I was a first year. We're the youngest of the group by at least seven years (I don't know anyone from Hogwarts), and I think we look very young and naive, which we are.

Somehow I'm even more excited about this. I was in a room full of people who are so opposed to Voldemort that they're willing to risk their lives for the cause, and they are making progress. I really believe we can make a difference, and that makes it worth the risk.

-----

June 23, 1978

I wonder if it's strange to go from an Order meeting, knowing what can happen to us, to looking for a flat with James and trying to set a wedding date.

-----

June 24, 1978

I told Jane and Anne today. Anne has named our children (Bob and Matilda, I hope she's joking) and Jane reacted exactly as I expected her to. Even the maid of honor part. I am good.

-----

June 25, 1978

I think we've found a place. Sirius actually found it while he was looking for his own flat. It didn't suit him but he contacted James and had us rush over. It's perfect. One bedroom in London, not that far from Diagon Alley, actually. It isn't next door, but it's close enough that I would feel silly Apparating. It's affordable (I said that, not James) and I love it. I don't think James loves it as much as I do, but I think I love it enough that he won't fight me on it. I've been making excited squeaking noises all day.

-----

June 26, 1978

My NEWT scores have come back. I'm not brilliant, but they'll only keep me from the jobs I never had an interest in anyway. I didn't do as well as I had expected, but I got all passing grades.

Caradoc (one of the Order members) wrote me to tell me all about the open positions at the Ministry. I'll assume these are the positions I'd be most needed for.

-----

June 28, 1978

James has an interview for Auror training. He's shocked at how fast it is, but I wouldn't be surprised if Moody had something to do with it. He's a little scary, but I think he actually likes James.

I've been packing up boxes of my things to be moved over to the new place. We're going furniture shopping first, and then filling our flat with all our things. Mum seems really upset to see me go. If she could cry the whole day of Petunia's wedding, I can't say I'm surprised.

...later...

Another Order meeting tonight. I got to meet Alice, whose husband was there last time. She and Frank are both Aurors. Alice seems to have kind of adopted me, as I am the youngest of only six women (that I know of so far). We're a bit outnumbered, but I seem to be in a good group. Frank and Alice have actually FOUGHT Voldemort and are still around to tell the tale. Others have had to fight Death Eaters, but...

I'm not that great at dueling. I did well in DADA lessons, but this worries me a bit.

-----

June 29, 1978

Mum told me she doesn't want me to go. Parents should not be allowed to do that. It doesn't change anything. All it does is make me cry and feel rotten about leaving and make me miss her.

------

June 30, 1978

James had his interview today. He says it went pretty well. I'm sure it did. He can make a brilliant first impression when he wants to. We'll see.

...later...

I am NEVER going furniture shopping with the boys again. I'm a bright girl, how did this not occur to me before?

James and I went looking for a bedroom set, since if we found something we could have it delivered as of tomorrow. Sirius wanted to look for some things for himself, so he came with us. I have no idea how poor Remus ended up getting dragged along, but every once in a while I'd catch him making this face that said he would rather be anywhere else. Sirius and James ignored him, so I'll guess they're used to seeing it.

There are times I wonder if Sirius isn't twelve. We went to a few stores and he made really immature comments the whole time we were looking at bedroom furniture. (Ever wonder why you're lacking a girlfriend, Sirius?) Then somehow we're looking at sofas. We don't have a bed yet, but we've found a sofa. All right, I found a sofa. James wanders around for a while, then sits down somewhere and looks really bewildered. I don't think you can call that shopping. The sofa will be delivered on the 2nd, and one of us has to be there at that time.

Lucky for us, Sirius decided our new sofa is suitable because it has enough "squish."

-----

July 1, 1978

I have picked up the keys to our new flat, and Dad helped me move some things over already. It doesn't look like home yet, but my room is looking a lot less like it.

-----

July 2, 1978

I am sitting on a sofa that James and I bought. We have a piece of furniture. Sirius is right, it is squishy.

-----

July 3, 1978

I can go from my flat, with my sofa and James, and then come back to my parents' house to sleep and I feel like I'm ten years old again.

-----

July 4, 1978

Mum has agreed to go shopping with me so James' poor eyes don't have to glaze over. I need a bed in the flat so we can sleep there. It doesn't feel like I live there if I visit my one piece of furniture and then go somewhere else to sleep. The rest can wait.

...later...

We have a bed! It's being delivered tomorrow! I'm far too excited about this.

-----

July 5, 1978

Where's my bed? I want my bed.

...later...

The delivery people forgot to make a stop. One more night in my parents' house. It's a little strange knowing this is my last night in this bed, in this house, especially since I just went through this when I left Hogwarts.

And I'd like to be able to sleep in my own flat, in my own bed, with my boyfriend. Fiance. I'll get used to that.

-----

July 6, 1978

The fireplace has been connected to the Floo Network and we have a phone.

However, still no bed. I called the store and yelled at them, and then James took the phone from me and started yelling at them. It should be delivered tomorrow. I'm losing faith in them.

I just got an owl from the Ministry asking me to come in for an interview tomorrow for one of the positions I applied for. Ooh.

-----

July 7, 1978

I was offered the position at the interview. I have a job! Now I need furniture and a wedding date!

-----

July 8, 1978

I asked James to show me his Animagus form. I was curious. And considering we have no furniture in the flat for a large stag to break...

It's WEIRD. Very, very weird. There's an animal here, and it's JAMES. I've seen Sirius switch forms several times, but that almost seems normal. You can really think of him just as a dog. I saw Peter do it once, but he's so small you kind of forget he's around. That's not possible when there's a stag in your home. I don't see a lot of reasons for James to have to change like that, though. I can't think of a reason off the top of my head, anyway, though I'm sure he could come up with one.

Weird.

-----

July 10, 1978

I have spent the last few days working, moving things after work, and going looking for more things for the flat. I am so unbelievably tired.

Work is all right. I'm working for Andrew Wilkes, who is an administrative something or other in the International Relations department. I'm actually not sure, I answer his letters and arrange his meetings and write his correspondence. It is a little strange to see Alice and Moody in the halls and pretend I've never seen them in my life.

James still hasn't heard about his interview, and it's driving him mad. He's bored, and bad things happen when he's bored. He's so far been moving my things and his into the flat, and (deep breath) shopping. James does not shop. He buys things. He gets it into his head that we should have something and then he buys it (as long as there aren't TOO many choices because then it's like the sofa all over again). And if we don't need it, well, it's only money. What's worse is that he's not well-versed in Muggle money but likes the stores (or at least goes there because he knows the way) and I think I need to teach him a little about that.

Oh, and we still don't have a bed. We canceled the order and will go again tomorrow evening to find something. I've FORBIDDEN him to go without me.

-----

July 13, 1978

Do you know what's nice? Having a bed. Having a bed that James rented a truck to pick up so we could be sure we received it. Being able to sleep in that bed with James, or anything else with James without having to sneak around or feel guilty. Because both of our names are on the lease.

I forgot how badly he snores. And he's in the shower even though I'm the one who needs to be at work. That's it, I'm going in after him.

-----

July 15, 1978

I've gone from mild indifference for my boss to intense hatred for a very silly reason. He calls me "Lils." Jane can get away with "Lil" and I don't kill her for it. My dad used to call me "Lillikins" until he said it in front of my class back in primary school and I had to ask him to stop because I was a big girl. But "Lils"??? No.

James doesn't see why this bothers me. Even though he HATES being called anything but James. He has the same issue, the hypocrite.

-----

July 16, 1978

James was accepted into Auror training! He hasn't stopped smiling all day.

-----

July 18, 1978

I have to kill him. I have no choice in the matter. The snoring. It's just. It woke me up last night and I kept thinking about how long I would have to hold a pillow over his face to stop the noise but not suffocate him.

-----

July 20, 1978

After much deliberation, it's been decided.

December 30, 1978

It's THE DATE. It has been set.

-----

July 24, 1978

I haven't been discussing Order work much, but I don't want to write down details. This isn't as bad as Hogwarts, where anyone could get their hands on my diary, but I'd still rather be cautious about certain things. James has gone out to do some sort of work for them already, and I got my bombshell. I'm working for a suspected Death Eater. I chose what to apply for, but I can't help

I don't know. I chose from a lot of open positions from a list that was given to me. This kind of thing is what I joined the Order to do, yes, but I wonder if I'd have taken this job if I had found it myself. Would I have gone to work for a Death Eater without knowing it? Have I helped him do anything? Anyway, I have to keep track of his schedule, report back with information, that sort of thing. I hate that it feels dishonest. And then I remember "Lils" and I don't feel that badly about it.

-----

July 27, 1978

The Boss started screaming at me in the office because I got back from lunch later than he expected. I left at 12:15 because I was working on a project for him, and so I ended up keeping Anne waiting. I get an hour lunch and I took an hour lunch. Usually I will loudly stand up for myself in situations like that, but I was at work and wanted to be professional. I made my case and assertively stood my ground. Still, I really wanted to make him sprout a tail.

-----

July 29, 1978

Housewarming party tonight. It'll be fairly small, just James' friends, his parents and mine, Anne and Jane, but I'm still trying to make everything just right. I want everyone to see how adult we can be, and prove that we're not just playing house. I did invite Petunia and the walrus, but they're not coming. I didn't think they would.

I have to confess something. I'm nervous about James knowing about this diary. I'm just afraid he will want to read it if he knows about it, and I am living with one of the greatest pranksters to ever walk the halls of Hogwarts. He finds ways. So I only write when he's not around and I hide this book. There's nothing even that interesting about my thoughts, but I want them to stay mine.

-----

July 30, 1978

We throw good parties. It was the first meeting of my parents and James'. And everyone (Sirius) was surprisingly well-behaved. We also announced the wedding date, which I think was a bit of a shock for some people. I don't think Anne and Jane, for one, thought I'd actually do it, or at least not before the end of the year. I'm just tired of waiting for things that will make me happy when I'm spying on possible Death Eaters.

-----

August 2, 1978

I really do feel like a spy. I'm like Emma Peel, only in my dreams. I got to do reconnaissance and procurement (according to Benjy, but he can be a bit dramatic) for the Order within the Ministry. That kind of thing makes me wonder if this is really happening. I'm not supposed to be doing this kind of thing because I really am not Emma Peel.

-----

August 4, 1978

I asked Petunia to be a bridesmaid because I feel I have to, because I'd like to have a sister who wants to see me get married, and because James has his best man and two ushers and I need another bridesmaid. I had to actually talk her into it over the phone. Mum had better be proud of me.

-----

Lily Evans

Lily Potter

Lily Evans Potter

Mrs. Lily Potter

Mr. & Mrs. James and Lily Potter

-----

August 8, 1978

James found my diary. He swears he only read the first paragraph on the first page because he didn't know what it was. Now he keeps asking if I'm saying anything flattering about him and whether he can read it. I don't think he'd do it without my permission, though. At least not if he actually wants to get married.

-----

August 10, 1978

It's confirmed. The Boss is a Death Eater. I know I'm not in danger at all, but I was still nervous walking into work. I'm not supposed to sabotage anything, just go along with the job and pass on the information and the Order will go from there, but I feel guilty doing my job now, because I have no idea what I'm assisting.

-----

August 12, 1978

We just finished moving, and now we're helping to move. Sirius found a place not too far away, and he's moving Remus in with him. Remus has had a REALLY hard time finding a job (which is horribly unfair because he's a very good wizard) and I think Sirius knows Remus doesn't have a lot of options. I'd say it's the nicest thing I've ever seen Sirius do, but they'll all do anything for each other. Three of them became Animagi illegally to keep their fourth company as a werewolf. This kind of loyalty is unheard of. I actually think it might be beyond my comprehension.

James hasn't gone out at the full moon yet. One should be coming up. I hope he hasn't stopped going because of me.

-----

August 15, 1978

Jane and I are going dress shopping. I'm much more excited than I should be.

...later...

There are Wedding Issues sprouting up already.

1. Who's paying for all this?

My parents want to pay for their youngest daughter's wedding, despite the fact that they paid for Petunia's wedding in May. James' parents (who I can't call by their first names, I'm sorry) want to pay for their only child's wedding, which they can afford. But Mum and Dad don't want to let them, and I'm wary of accepting any more of their money. They are the reason James and I have furniture. They helped us get our feet off the ground, and now that James and I are both working, I'd love if we could be self-sufficient.

2. Can I invite members of the Order?  
  
I could get away with adding Dumbledore, McGonagall and probably Hagrid to the guest list, but what about people like Frank and Alice, or Marlene, or Benjy or Caradoc? I need to discuss this with Dumbledore.

3. Wizarding wedding vs. Muggle wedding.

I didn't know there was a difference. There is. I know one set of traditions, James knows another. If there's too much emphasis on magic, Petunia will throw a fit and my parents will be confused.

4. I found the perfect wedding dress. Or it would be if I wouldn't freeze my arse off wearing it in DECEMBER. (Why did we decide on December again??)

-----

August 17, 1978

Another issue: getting time off for our honeymoon. Auror training takes a bit of a break around Christmas, so James will not have a problem. The Boss tells me I can't even request a holiday until I've been there six months. I hope he's vanquished before December.

-----

August 19, 1978I feel tense almost all the time. I have work, the Order and wedding planning and I'm trying to have a semi-normal life. My family and friends don't know about the Order, so I have a large chunk of my life that they don't know about, and I feel bad about that. Given that Jane gave me a hard time about how I spent more time with James and his mates than with her, it doesn't feel right that James' friends know all this and she doesn't. But I can't tell anyone. It only put them in danger along with the Order.

No, James, you can't read what I'm writing. Go to sleep.

-----


	2. Chapter Two

August 20, 1978

Everyone I know has to stay right where they are forever. I am never helping anyone move ever again, and that includes myself. I have a series of bruises on my arms that James is convinced is like a map of Sagittarius.

...later...

And he actually found a picture in a book to show me. Sometimes I worry about him.

-----

August 22, 1978

Well, we were going to get married in a church, but James' parents took a lot of flack because of the wizarding thing back when they got married, and so there's a little bit of bitterness, I think. I can understand that, especially given certain prejudices. But getting married in December limits our choices because it's bloody cold outside, so that's not an option. And, with the wedding being at Christmastime, we have to reserve wherever it is soon. Why did we agree on December again? It made sense at the time...

I'm so glad I'm only doing this once. Yes, James, you're stuck with me. Stop reading over my shoulder.

-----

August 23, 1978

Conversations with Remus can be fun. Apparently seven years of being someone's roommate is not preparation enough for being their ONLY roommate in a place that's all theirs for the first time. I don't think I've ever seen Remus rant like that. I had to try really hard to keep myself from laughing because I was afraid that if I did, he'd stop talking.

-----

August 26, 1978

Why do people GET married, anyway? Who started this tradition? That person was an idiot, and he/she should have been killed before they could ever spread this idea to the masses. I don't know why it's so important for me to get married, either, except that for some masochistic reason I want to do it. I blame society.

I like that I can complain with Remus. I can whine about James' spending and snoring, and Remus can go on probably for hours on end about Sirius leaving dishes in the sink and wet towels on the floor and dirty clothes in the living room, etc. etc. It's a good system.

-----

August 29, 1978

I took the girls for their bridesmaid dresses. I want to know why every dress out there needs to have flowers and bows and fabric I wouldn't dry dishes with. The entire wedding industry is against me.

-----

August 30, 1978

Money issues: I have given up caring.

Church or replacement: Sirius says he can handle this. (!!!!!!!!)

Bridesmaid dresses: I have found great styles in horrifyingly ugly colors.

My dress: I have a big white fluffy towel if that's what it comes to.

Guest list: Working on it. I befriended Alice at work just so I could invite her.

Style of wedding: Don't care.

Flowers: Picked out and ordered. NO LILIES.

Boss: Please drop dead. Please. Will you die if I beg?

-----

September 8, 1978

The Boss almost caught me copying his schedule. I told him I was taking a copy so that when he contacts me at home (not joking), I have a handy reference. I've all but begged Moody to go after him. Begging is my next step, actually.

-----

September 9, 1978

I am already tired of this wedding. I'm tired of the stress, I'm tired of snapping over little things, I'm tired of having arguments about everything. When you're little and you start thinking "When I get married," you aren't thinking logically, and it comes back to haunt you when you're grown up. You don't realize that this costs MONEY. You don't realize you have to work and work to make it all perfect, and it won't be perfect. All you know is you want the pretty white dress just like you saw on the telly. Little girls should be warned about this sort of thing.

I want to jump ahead in time to January.

-----

September 12, 1978

James has reported that the sofa is squishy enough to sleep on. He knows this because he slept there last night.

He made the mistake of mentioning that I steal the blankets at night. I was upset enough from work (if the Order wasn't getting such good information from it, I'd quit), and so I brought up his snoring. He mentioned something else, so I started sniping at him, and I have no idea how the wedding was brought up. I told him it'd be nice for him to give some input and he said something like "I don't know what to do, I've never done this before." And I have? I think we took all of our stress out on each other.

We had our apologies this morning, though. I didn't tell him I could still hear his snoring in the bedroom with the door closed.

-----

September 14, 1978

Mum said she'll guide me through the rest of the wedding process. I have the best mother EVER.

Sirius came through. He has a cousin who married a Muggle, and so she had to combine the wedding styles and he got all this information from her. Including this one banquet hall (in London!) run by wizards who will allow us to use their "chapel" for the wedding itself. We are not alone in our problems! Good Sirius. I like him better just for this.

-----

September 19, 1978

I had lunch with Peter today. I feel kind of bad for him. James was always the ringleader of their group, and Sirius is his best friend, and Remus is living with Sirius... And then there's Peter. He just doesn't seem that connected, and he doesn't really have other friends. James got held up at work and couldn't make it, but I kept the date. I think Peter is scared of me. I've seen him around girls before, so that's not it. He just has no idea what to do around me. I don't know how to make it comfortable.

-----

September 20, 1978

I was talking to Remus about the Peter situation. He says that James spent years and years proclaiming me to be this "angel" (his word, which he insists is James'- I'm flattered) and so Peter is completely intimidated by me. I don't think I've ever intimidated anyone before.

I like talking to Remus. I can be honest with him because he's been honest with me, so we can trust each other. I've been wondering if he's really been WITH the Order, and he says he is, but he keeps wondering what he's doing there because he doesn't know what he's doing. I kind of feel the same way, only I have a concrete job, and I'm not quite sure what Remus is doing. There are things I don't want to ask because I don't want to know, and I don't want to get anyone into trouble. I did feel better for that whole conversation, though.

-----

September 22, 1978

NOTE TO JAMES POTTER:

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THE WEDDING IS OFF!!!!!!

-----

September 24, 1978

His face hasn't turned blue yet. Good, I guess he's not reading then. Not that I'm uncharming the book yet, though.

-----

September 27, 1978

James bought a television. I don't know why. I don't know why he does a lot of things. He was exposed to it at my parents' house and he went ahead and bought one. This is not good. And I don't think Sirius will ever leave.

-----

September 30, 1978I may have to break the damn thing.

-----

October 1, 1978

My mum wants to know if James will actually brush his hair for the wedding. I tried to explain to her that it has a mind of its own and won't cooperate, but she's determined. She's seen him mess it up on purpose and thinks that it's like that all the time, that he wants it to look that way. I think she's going to start nagging him about it. I say good luck to her.

-----

October 2, 1978

Jane found dresses! They're a gorgeous royal blue color, and a bit frillier than I had wanted, but Jane assures me that Anne will be fine with them. That's all right by me. They're the ones who are going to have to wear them. I'm not too concerned about Petunia, after that pink nightmare I had to wear in her wedding.

I love Jane.

-----

October 4, 1978

James is threatening to make the boys wear kilts for the wedding. I hope he's joking. I don't even want to think about what Sirius would do with a kilt. In public.

-----

October 6, 1978

The boys actually got together with Peter for his birthday. I wonder if Remus talked to James and Sirius.

I had Jane and Anne over, and Alice was able to come for a while. She had Things To Do, but I'm glad she got to meet my friends. She thinks they're sweethearts. That's because Anne was being good. It was just a good night. Jane wants to bring a date to the wedding. I'm going to be amazed that Jane is A) dating someone more than once, and B) planning to be with them in December.

-----

October 10, 1978

This is the story of how Sirius and I got completely pissed last night. The fact that I remember is is pretty incredible.

He was over watching the stupid television with James, and James got called away for Order work. He's actually going to be gone a couple days. He left, and Sirius and I had no idea if he should stay or not, because we haven't really been in the same room before without James around. Somehow we got to talking, and we got into the alcohol. Which is evil and should be outlawed.

About three bottles of something or other later, he and I are having a completely bizarre argument over what the best Beatles album is. The fact that he insists it's not the White Album astounds me, and when I brought that up he started singing "Obla Di Obla Da" at the top of his lungs. One of the neighbor women actually came to see if I was all right. Of course I had finished off one of those bottles myself and dimly remember telling her that he was busy killing the Beatles. I was really glad this morning that no police were called. The way Sirius sings that song, by the way, is that he changes Desmond and Molly to James and Lily (though the syllabic difference between James and Desmond poses difficulty for a drunkard) and yet we keep the last name of Jones. I don't know. We then decided he and I should go on tour as a two-person Beatles cover band even though we don't play any instruments. I think (I could have imagined this) that he decided he would get all the groupies and I would be forced to leave James when John fell completely in love with me.

We went into a whole plan for this before realizing that my neighbor probably now thinks I'm having a torrid affair with Sirius. I wonder if it's bad that we both said we wanted to be there when she told James, just to see his reaction. Sirius said I wasn't his type anyway and sorry to break my fragile heart since I'm only using James to get to him. I laughed so hard I was almost sick. I like Sirius, but no. I wouldn't be opposed to setting him up, though, which he refused. After the Diana situation I can't blame him. He said the worst case scenario would be that he declares Remus his date for the wedding, just so everyone will leave him alone about it. Somehow I doubt that would help...

Oh! Don't ask me how this came up, but I asked him: seven years as James' roommate, how did he deal with the snoring? Apparently they put a silencing charm on him every night for the first five years of school, before they all got used to it. I must be daft. How did I not think of that?

I refused to let him go home, seeing as how he would have splinched himself and I would have had to explain to James why he needs a new best man. He didn't object. In fact, he was passed out on the squishy sofa roughly ten seconds later. I stuck my head in the fireplace to let Remus know, which I do not recommend doing when you have been drinking. I ended up being very sick for the rest of the night and very hung over this morning. Sirius? Woke up FINE, the bastard. I actually told him that last night he was my friend and now I despise him. He made me breakfast (toast), though, so I can't stay angry with him.

I feel better from it all, despite the fact that I've given up drinking for as long as I live. I've spent a lot of time wondering about whether or not I'm supposed to be friends with Sirius or if that was strange, or if he even liked me. I'm reasonably sure we can be friends even outside of James. After all, there's the band to worry about.

-----

October 11, 1978

I miss James. I don't think I've gone a while day without talking to him since we've been together, and that was almost a year ago. I haven't heard from him in two days and I have no idea when he's getting home. I'm sure Dumbledore would tell me if something had happened, and I'm sure that he's fine, but I miss him.

-----

October 14, 1978

James' first words upon getting home were "I hear you're having an affair with Sirius."

I don't think I realized how MUCH I missed him till he got home. He's been trying to get foreign wizards to join the fight. I can believe James as a public relations man. Anything is a good idea when James says it. He think he made some progress.

-----

October 15, 1978

The silencing charm worked. I'll have to send Sirius flowers or a fruit basket or something.

-----

October 16, 1979

Sirius asked if I really meant that bit about setting him up. I'm surprised he actually came to me about that. I'm surprised he actually remembered that. I talked to Nora at work, and I think they'll get on well. Of course, the last time I set him up, he spent the whole time ignoring the poor girl, so there will not be a double date this time. Hopefully he won't leave her at the restaurant.

-----

October 17, 1978

I FOUND MY DRESS. It's absolutely stunning. I went shopping with my mum and James' and I think Mum almost cried when I tried it on. It's white (I hesitated a little at that, but I'm not going to stand in front of my mother and future mother-in-law and ask for something in ivory) and has long sleeves and one of those necklines that dips a little in the middle. It's not puffy anywhere, there's only a very tasteful amount of lace, and it makes me feel like a princess. I wasn't going to get it because of the price, but James' mum had already paid for it while I was changing out of it. She told me not to tell Mum. I think I actually hugged her. So I'm a hypocrite.

-----

October 19, 1979

This is familiar. Nora thinks the date went well, but Sirius isn't interested in seeing her again. I don't understand it. How can you give the impression that you're interested without actually being so? He says he'd let me try again if I was interested. He's frustrating.

-----

October 20, 1978

Is it January yet????

-----

October 24, 1978

Petunia hates the bridesmaid dresses. This would be why she and I got into an argument in the middle of the shop. I hate that she can rile me like that, and I really hate that Jane and Anne had to see it. Anne, bless her heart, stepped in and told Petunia off, and then Petunia shut up about it. I love Anne.

I also got to meet Jane's boyfriend. His name is Anthony and he seems all right. Not the kind of bloke I'd expect Jane to end up with, but the same could be said about myself and James. Maybe I'll eat my words. After all, I adore Anne's boyfriend and I wasn't sure about him at first. Maybe it's because he was a Slytherin and there is that Gryffindor rivalry. I've always tried to ignore that, but every once in a while it rears its ugly head.

-----

October 25, 1978

His face hasn't changed colors. I guess he's not reading.

I have to admit, I'm paranoid. No one at my parents' house knew I had a diary, and they probably wouldn't have cared, unless Petunia thought she could get me into trouble. No one at Hogwarts gave it a second thought because all the girls in the dorm had one at one time or another. And now I'm marrying a troublemaker. If I'd left this diary lying around at Hogwarts, he would not only have read it, but used the information in there somehow. I know this. So I'm having a slight problem writing down my innermost thoughts here with him around. I'm not writing everything I'm thinking, which is why I'm especially not talking about the Order.

And yet he's not reading.

-----

October 29, 1978

It's the anniversary of our first date. He forgot.

-----

October 30, 1978

All right, I started a fight with him about the anniversary. He claims he didn't know we were supposed to be keeping track. It isn't as if he has a lot of dates to remember. It's one date, two days before Halloween. It's easy.

...later...

Jane agrees with me. Ha.

-----

October 31, 1978

Every once in a while, I remember that I'm only seventeen. I feel very old sometimes, especially in dealing with the Order and The Boss. And then when I'm trying to plan this wedding and realize I have less than two months left and I still don't know what I'm doing, I feel about seven years old.

I'm not having doubts about marrying James, but sometimes I question if I'm right to do it NOW. I wonder if we're mature enough for it. I don't think I am some days and it worries me that there'll come a time that fact will come back at us. But I started wondering if it wasn't the Voldemort situation that spurred us on and I don't know. I know I decided not to let things pass me by, but I don't think James consciously made that decision. I think he still would have proposed when he did. I started telling myself that if I hadn't made that choice, I would have told him we should wait, but that's me being stupid. I know I still would have said yes.

I don't know what the point of this entry was.

-----

November 1, 1978

I think I've figured it out. I had another argument with James and started really thinking about things. I think I do what's expected of me all the time. I respond to pressure. I'm one of two Muggle-borns in my year, so I try to catch up to everyone else's level and end up surpassing most of them. Everyone expected me to do well then, so I did well. I mean, you don't get to be Head Girl by getting into trouble and being irresponsible. (Though apparently that is how you get to be Head Boy.) Even when I told Dumbledore to include me in the Order, he didn't question it. He expected it. When I first expressed interest to McGonagall, she wasn't surprised. Because this is the kind of thing one would expect Lily Evans to do.

While I could probably be expected to marry my first love, the Head Boy, popular and perfect as he is, no one saw me doing it now. They didn't see me living with him first. They don't expect me to be married just after I turn eighteen. I'm defying expectations and I know it and I'm putting more pressure on myself to keep everyone happy. So I take it out on James because he's there.  
  
This is not to say that he's innocent in all this. I am not picking on him. If there's a comment he interprets as being shirty, whether it's meant to be or not, he will start a fight. And he doesn't know when to let it go, which makes me angrier. The phrase "beating a dead horse" comes to mind.

But I think I'd be a lot more concerned if we didn't get over it like we do. The night I made him sleep on the sofa, we were joking about it the next morning. We fight, we yell, we cool off, and there it is. If one of us lets loose with a problem we have, the other person might yell back, but we'll try to make it better. Like when I yelled at him about how I was doing everything for the wedding, he actually changed that. The next day he was making appointments to get things done. When he accused me of letting The Boss rule my personal time, I told The Boss I wouldn't accept contact at home anymore because James was right and it was hurting us both. And yes, I got into trouble for saying it, but things became a bit easier.

After reading what I just wrote, I don't think I'm as worried about us being immature. I think we're actually doing something right.


	3. Chapter Three

November 2, 1979

Dorcas has a sister that she and I tried to put with Sirius. It's just like Diana, it's just like Nora. I give up. I haven't told him that, but I give up. He needs to be on his own for this, at least until I stop tearing my hair out with this wedding.

-----

November 5, 1978

Mum keeps telling me not to try to change a man, and I don't want to change James. Except for one thing. He is SPOILED. He's an only child. He's used to having money and getting what he wants. Even at Hogwarts, he got away with murder and was actually celebrated for it. I know he knows he has to work for things, but I don't think it's actually habit. I think he expects me to spoil him. He really should know better.

-----

November 8, 1978

A month and a half. A month and a half and I'm going to be MARRIED.

-----

November 12, 1978

I had a wonderful birthday. James and I actually went out by ourselves (which hasn't happened in a while, we've both been so busy) and it was just NICE to be able to spend time with him like that. Every once in a while I wonder why he puts up with me and then he looks at me like he did yesterday and I can't question anything anymore.

-----

November 14, 1978

I was out with Anne and Jane, and Anne told me she can't believe I can actually marry my first boyfriend, and aren't I afraid of what I'm missing? THANKS, ANNE.

It's not that I'm questioning it, but it does put a little seed in my mind, where I start wondering things. Stupid, I know.

-----

November 15, 1978

I asked James straight out whether he thought he was missing out on things by getting married this young. He said "I've fancied you since I was fourteen, I've loved you since I was sixteen. I think I'm lucky to know this early."

I'm going to hit Anne the next time I see her.

-----

November 16, 1978

I'm starting to get slightly panicky about certain things.

1. The wedding (of course)

Mum and Jane keep saying they'll take care of things, but it's in six weeks. SIX WEEKS!

2. The Order.

I'll just say that things are getting worrisome. Frank and Alice had a VERY close call and I'm a bit shaken just hearing about it.

3. The Boss.

I hate him. I am also aware that I could very possibly lose my job come December because of holiday time. He actually said I should move the wedding to the 23rd so I wouldn't cut in on the Ministry's time. I've spoken with Dumbledore about it. I hope The Boss does sack me. I'd love an excuse to say the things I've been really thinking... If I do get sacked, we should still be all right, but we don't need more trouble.

4. The way I'm making lists for EVERYTHING. This is new.

-----

November 18, 1978

All brides go through this, right? It's normal.

...later...

If this is normal I think society as a whole is doing something very wrong.

-----

November 19, 1978

I think I've talked James into writing our own vows. The traditional ones are nice, but they don't say anything about US. He's been putting up a bit of a fight, saying he's no good with words. He had no problem using them to get me. Which was a mistake to tell him because he went on this rant about how, yes, in fact he had years and years of problems. He also thinks it's embarrassing to say those things in front of friends and family. I swear, sometimes...

-----

November 20, 1978

What do you write in a vow, anyway?

-----

November 22, 1978

There's nothing TO our story. We met, I was deeply annoyed by him, he practically stalked me, we got together, we're getting married. It doesn't really go well in words.

-----

November 23, 1978

James asked what I wrote about in here, because every once in a while I'll let him read over my shoulder. I was honest. He doesn't see me write about the things that might make me upset to write. The in-depth stuff. If I'm writing in front of him, it's most likely safe.

I really don't think he would read this. He's curious but knows that I tell him most of the big stuff. I think I can uncharm the book. He's going to be my husband, I have to trust him with things like this.

-----

November 24, 1978

I must be cracking. I just got on James' case for not writing his vows. I think I've gotten as far as "I" and I'm haranguing him.

-----

November 25, 1978

Vows are stupid. Why do we have to say them, anyway? Doesn't the whole ceremony say everything that needs to be said?

-----

November 27, 1978

I'm going to have a husband. I'm going to be somebody's WIFE. I just can't make that sound right. I just got used to calling him my fiance. I don't know how to go from that to "This is my husband, James."

Hi, I'm Lily. James' wife.

See, it's weird.

-----

November 28, 1978

I have too much to do and not enough time to do it and I swear sometimes I'm just waiting for all these little parts of my life to collide.

I laugh at vows. How do I have writer's block for vows?

-----

November 29, 1978

Bloody hell. We're doing the traditional vows. No one's going to remember whatever we come up with, anyway.

...later...

James about cheered.

-----

November 30, 1978

One month. At this time next month, I will be at my wedding reception.

-----

December 5, 1978

The walrus is apparently putting up a fuss about coming to a wedding that has all "those people." He says it as if it's an insult. He thinks it is. It bothers me that he'll immediately dismiss good people like Remus and Peter and Dumbledore and Hagrid because they happen to be wizards. (Though I'd love to see Vernon cower in fear of Hagrid.) I do not like that he has spent so little time with us and considers us abnormal when he has seen nothing of the sort. He hasn't even seen us USE magic. And I really hate that my sister goes along with him.

She's my sister. I know we've never really gotten along, and I used to try so hard to make her like me. I just got sick of being kicked emotionally because she will never want me around. She doesn't want to be at my wedding. She has never invited me to her house. She doesn't want anything to do with me. I think if I just disappeared from her life she wouldn't even notice or care. She'd forget about me, probably pretend I didn't exist.

-----

December 7, 1978

Thank God for Alice. I about had a breakdown at work after an argument with The Boss. I almost resigned right there. She talked me out of it, not because of the Order or anything like that, but because I know how much I can handle (that was the basic point, anyway). She's right. I signed up for this. Everything that is causing me stress is something I brought upon myself. So I should at least try to fix it before skiving off.

-----

December 8, 1978

Why is everyone bringing dates? Isn't it supposed to be that unless your invitation is addressed to "Mr. Whomever AND GUEST," you're not supposed to bring a date? Is this some new wedding etiquette no one informed me of?

----

December 10, 1978

I think James is as awestruck as I am about how this is all happening. The planning is one thing, but it's getting so very close now that it seems like it can't possibly be happening.

Twenty days. We're now under three weeks.

-----

December 12, 1978

I really dislike Anthony. I don't know why. I've tried to like him, but I can't. I don't want to tell this to Jane, though. He seems good to her, and that's what matters. It's just there's something about him that rubs me the wrong way.

I finally asked James why he's not going out with the boys at the full moon anymore. He says he's not actually sure what Remus is doing for those nights. I think he's more worried about that than he lets on. I want to ask Remus but I think that's something for James to do, not me. I'm still kind of separate from that sort of thing.

-----

December 17, 1978

I think I've entered a strange half-awake coma. Remus calls it a fugue state. All right. I am completely on autopilot. I think it's either that or all my basic brain functions would cease working.

How can there still be things to do? I've been doing them for five months!

-----

December 20, 1978

Ten days. I still have no idea what will happen with my job. Our work for the Order (outside my work for The Boss) has been put on hold until after we get back from the honeymoon. I have so much left to do and I don't even know how to start getting it all done.

-----

December 22, 1978

I take back everything I've ever said about speeding up to January. I need to go back to August so everything can actually get DONE.

The bloody fugue state has fugued itself away.

I told The Boss that as of next Monday, I will be on my honeymoon and I don't really care if I lose my job over it. I've got experience now and I know people in the Ministry. I can get other positions. The Boss just said "We'll see." If he'd let me go then, I could have gotten a lot of the little last-minute preparations done...

-----

December 23, 1978

One week.

I was always a bit unsure of my place in the Order, but at today's meeting they actually put together a little party for us. It was incredibly sweet. Not all of them can be there next week, so they wanted to wish us well. Sometimes I can't believe I know people like this.

-----

December 24, 1978

I haven't written about the preparation that has gone into figuring out where to spend the holidays, but it's stress WE DON'T NEED. My family gets together on Christmas Eve, but we open presents on Christmas morning. James' family does everything Christmas Day. It sounded simple enough, we would go to my house tonight and his tomorrow. Petunia made a big deal about how she and the walrus had arranged to be there Christmas Day so they could go to Mr. and Mrs. Walrus' Parents' house. I wish I didn't actually want to get along with Petunia, because I then tried to arrange everything so we'd all be together. We even planned for a bit to have Christmas Day at our flat, so we could have both families over, but Vernon refuses to set foot in our home. I think Petunia actually might have, but that might be wishful thinking.

As it is now, we're going to my family's tonight, and his tomorrow as originally planned. James tried to tell me that at least I won't have Petunia there to irritate me. Which is true, but not seeing her at the holiday makes me feel just as bad.

-----

December 27, 1978

I've actually managed to lose weight these last few weeks. My dress has to be taken in now. Jane suggested performing a shrinking spell on it, but it's a small enough difference that I don't want to chance not being able to breathe in it.

I'm sure this is just the beginning of everything falling apart.

-----

December 28, 1978

Nothing else has gone wrong yet. I hope it does so TODAY rather than on Saturday!

...later...

A couple of people have called last minute saying they were coming even though they never RSVP'ed. There's a tear in Anne's dress that wasn't there at the last fitting. It's just a lot of little things. The flat has become wedding headquarters, which I think makes James nervous. Our mums, Jane, Anne and Alice have all been around, at least one of them over constantly. I'm so glad for all of them. It also allows me to have my tantrums at people who have to love me rather than someone who could change his mind and not show up at the altar.

The boys are taking James out for his stag night (and oh, the jokes are unending). Anne keeps asking if I'm worried. No. I trust James. He spent two years stalking (sorry, actively pursuing) me, I don't think he's going to do anything to mess that up now. Even more. I trust the boys, also. Even Sirius.

-----

December 29, 1978

I am so glad I talked them into doing their night last night instead of tonight. The poor boy is so sick now.

I took pictures. The nonmoving kind.

...later...

James is spending the night with Remus and Sirius. Jane and Anne are sleeping over here. We had one of our long talks like we used to do at school, which I've missed.

At this time last year, I was missing James over the school holiday, and now I'm getting married to him. Tomorrow we're actually going to do it. I'm more nervous about something going wrong than I am about actually marrying James, though that does seem strange to think about all of a sudden. And in another way it isn't a huge deal, it's as simple as keeping a dentist appointment. It's all very weird in my brain right now.

-----

December 30, 1978

Oh my God. Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God.

Well. Now that that's out of my system.

-----

January 7, 1979

I am writing as a married woman.

The wedding went well. Much better than I had expected it could. My poor mum cried the whole time, and so did Dad a little, though he won't admit it. James did not stop smiling through the whole ceremony. I don't think he took his eyes off of me once. Sirius was remarkably well-behaved, but that might just be because he was not wearing a kilt. (Anne was very disappointed.) I would have forgotten my vows had I written them. I think Petunia may have even smiled once. It was simple and beautiful and exactly what I had always wanted. It wasn't storybook, but it didn't need to be.

The reception was a lot of fun. James' dancing has not improved, but that's all right. My toes are all still there, I counted them. I had invited a few school friends that I almost hadn't expected to show up, but it was wonderful to see them again, especially Diana and Maggie. Maggie's actually engaged to a Muggle boy herself. I did get asked a few questions about whether or not we were planning on having children anytime soon. Oh, I get it. We're too young to get married, but now that we are, when's the baby due? We kept saying not for a while, and I hope that holds them all over for now. If it doesn't, too bad. Jane caught the bouquet. I hope it's anyone but Anthony.

The honeymoon was tropical and WARM and very nice. I'll leave it at that.

We came back to where it's cold, and got a bit of a shock. I just stared at the paper for 15 minutes wondering how to phrase this. I'm sure all the girls I've set up with Sirius would be glad to know that his rejection of them had nothing actually to do with them. (Probably.) Apparently sometime in the last week, he got together with REMUS. Actually, this wasn't a shock to James, who says he knew some things and was just kind of waiting for it. And while he seems to be all right with it, I think seeing them together and KNOWING was a shock to him. The poor boy. It is a little strange to know about this, but it reminds me of sixth year, when Anne started dating Michael O'Neill, and all of a sudden you realize your friends are dating each other. All right, it is a little weird, but I think it's just because I'm not used to this sort of thing. As long as they're happy.

So I'm married. I am home and I'm married. I had to sign something as Lily Potter, which I can't get used to yet. Bad enough I'm trying not to call James my fiance, but I have a new name.

-----

January 8, 1979

I've thought about it, and I had no way of knowing about Remus, but I think Sirius was actually giving me signs. I should have seen this coming, now that I think about it.

I still have a job. I told The Boss that I was leaving for a week and he didn't say anything. So I went away for a week and walked into work. It was a lot more chaotic (I guess Death Eater business piles up quickly when I'm not around) but I still worked. The Boss is really very testy, though. I can't say I'm surprised. I wonder if Dumbledore had something to do with me still being there, or if The Boss really needs me around.

-----

January 10, 1979

The neighbor who came to check on me when Sirius was over? The night we got very drunk? She looks as me like I'm evil, especially when she sees me with James. I bet she thinks I'm a hussy. I wonder what James said to her when she told him.

I said that I was sorry you two had started without me.

This is the man I married, who steals my diary to write it down rather than TELL me.

I suppose this explains the looks HE gets from her.

-----

January 12, 1979

Note to EVERYONE:

The only plan we have for children is NOT NOW.

People seem to hear that you just got married and that's the first thing they ask. We're eighteen! You do not want these two 18-year-olds taking care of PLANTS, let alone babies. Someday, yes. Right now, no no no no no NO. My job has my stealing information from a Death Eater. James' role is worse, and the easy bit will require him being away for stretches of time. We live in a one-bedroom flat, and are trying to remain financially stable (that television could have paid a few bills) and we have been married for two weeks. STOP ADDING PRESSURE.

Mum, this goes for you, too.

-----

January 13, 1979

Just after I wrote that, James found out he's leaving for the weekend. Going to Romania, I think. I don't know who he's supposed to contact there.

I do worry about him going off like that. It's relatively safe work, making contacts and all, but who says Voldemort doesn't have his own equivalent of me, who knows James is meeting with this person or that and has his name on a list somewhere? It's probably just paranoid, but Aurors have arrested people on the information I've found. I don't even want to know what happens to people Voldemort finds out about.

-----

January 15, 1979

James is back in one piece. I'm more relieved than I probably should be.

Anne and Eric have broken up. She admits to adding wedding pressure to him after James and I got married. Eric panicked. The poor girl. They'd been together for over a year, too.

-----

January 18, 1979

Apparently no one told Peter that Remus and Sirius are a couple. I think it was a bit of a shock for him.

I almost want to pair him together with Anne. She's having trouble because even though I think she's used to me having James, she's not used to Jane being unavailable. I know Anne won't want to do this now, but maybe later sometime.

I'm getting used to seeing Remus and Sirius together. They're actually very cute, though I get faces made at me if I say that aloud. Mostly from James. I think if it was anyone but his best friends, he'd be fine with it. He'll get used to it. As soon as they stop teasing him.


	4. Chapter Four

January 20, 1979

James and I have been so busy that I think we've gone out by ourselves maybe three times in the last six months, not including running errands. We went out to dinner, but we're both having a problem where we watch everyone else around us. It's six months of Auror training for him, and good old-fashioned paranoia for me.

It's a hazard of what we're doing. We're doing good things and I'm seeing how I've made a difference at least, but I want it to be over. I'm tired of the paranoia and worry and feeling like a sneak. And then I tell myself that this is bigger than me, that I'm actually doing a good job and I'm being selfish. This can't all just be over in six months. It doesn't work that way.

-----

January 21, 1979

I was talking to Alice about what I mentioned yesterday. I didn't realize SO many of the Order members have families. I think Edgar's family knows what he's doing, but Gideon's doesn't. Marlene's doesn't. I can't help but wonder what happens if something happens to them. Do their families ever find out what happened? I'm actually glad James and I are both involved. If something goes wrong, the other knows.

I remember a time when I wasn't morbid.

-----

January 26, 1979

And James is gone again. Look, I know what we're doing is important and James is needed, but I would love to be able to actually spend time with my husband! We haven't been married a full month yet and he's been gone for two weekends already. I'm tired of missing him already.   
  
I'm done being selfish.

...later...

No, I'm not. I can see the way this is all affecting both of us. We're doing the right thing and maybe we're even saving lives, but I'd like to feel like I'm living my own life. It feels dishonest to be around Anne and Jane, who I hope NEVER find out about this. Honestly, I don't think they would ever speak to me again if they found out I'd kept this from them. I feel bad seeing my parents, knowing they don't know. I find it really weird that James' friends are all in on this, and I think his parents know, but no one on my side does. And while it doesn't seem fair, I also understand it all and know it's no one's fault and there's really no point in complaining.

I trust Dumbledore. I do. I know he doesn't want to see anything happen to us. But God, I hate that I put my life into someone else's hands on this. I feel out of control, and I want James HERE because I can talk to him about this. He understands. But he won't tell Dumbledore he's not going on one of these trips, just like I wouldn't if I were in his position. I keep telling myself, it's bigger than me. This is not about me, or James, or any single one of us. It's about doing what has to be done, and I have to sit back and let it all happen.

-----

January 27, 1979

If I could talk to him during these weekends, I would feel so much better.

-----

January 29, 1979

I can't even remember what I was doing at this time last year.

-----

January 30, 1979

I'm perpetually in a bad mood this week. Anne's still not taking her breakup well, and I tried to be there for her, but after a while I couldn't take it anymore. With everything that's happening, it feels wrong to have a conversation that I could have had in school. And I know that's wrong of me. I can't expect everyone else's lives to come to a standstill because I'm feeling bitchy. I certainly expected everyone to drop everything for me during the wedding process. I'm just stupid sometimes.

-----

February 3, 1979Why can't anyone do anything about The Boss? There's sufficient evidence to take him to trial and stick him in Azkaban. The more I find out, the more I HATE working for him. I question why he even LETS me work for him, given the fact that my parents are Muggles. There has to be a way of getting this information without him.

-----

February 4, 1979

Well, I think I have officially scared McGonagall. (I still can't call her Minerva. I just can't. I tried once and it became Min-Gonagall and it was embarrassing.) I went on a rant about The Boss in front of her. She reminded me that if The Boss did go to trial, I would have to testify how I got all of this information, which could place the Order in jeopardy. Not to mention I would have to come out as a member, and the best case would be that I couldn't find another job like this because I sent my employer to prison. She has a point, damn her. She thinks it's all getting to me, which might be true. I'd like to be back on holiday with James, where it was just us and none of this could bother us.

I must look so young to them.

------

March 25, 1979

I don't even know how to talk about what's gone on, but I need to.

James and I have not only seen Voldemort, but we faced him down. We fought him. It was a trap meant for James, I wasn't supposed to be there. He brought me along one one of those trips so we could spend time together. He says he's a bit flattered that Voldemort would come for him himself. It was good that I was there, but I kept thinking about what would have happened if I wasn't, and would I have been contacted by someone to tell me that James was dead.

I can't handle that thought. I don't want to hear that from anyone, EVER. The thought of being expected to go on with my life without him is something I can not deal with right now.

I stood in front of the most evil wizard alive. I'm surprised I could even act. I didn't think about it at the time, but afterwards I fell apart. The thought that he had tried to kill James really HIT right then. I think I was still shaking three days later. It wasn't even that I should have been killed, it was all about James for me. I just had to take some time to deal with it, and be with James. Precautions have been taken to keep us safe. Dumbledore actually advised me not to go back to work, but I did. Voldemort was after James, not me. I wasn't supposed to be there, and The Boss doesn't know I know he's in league with Voldemort. He can't be sure I know what James is doing. I have to be more careful, but that's all right. I feel a bit as if I've done my part for once. I'm rationalizing.

What got me writing, though, is that Mum is sick. She has been for a while, at least since I was at school. They didn't want to tell Petunia and me because she got married, and then I did, so they didn't want to spoil our time. I asked my dad what happens if she dies and he said "There's no what if about it." They weren't going to tell us, but the doctors told them how bad it really was and gave her a time limit. I'm kind of deadened to all of it. I was surprised at how upset Petunia was, but then I wasn't surprised at all. I don't know how to handle it and I don't know what to say to anyone. I don't want to know how long she has, but I hate not knowing. I don't think I'm having the reaction everyone expects me to have, but what is that, exactly? Should I have screamed and cried? Should I have promised to be there through it all? Would that make everything better? I think my reaction was actually "Oh."

I know it's going to hit me later. It's inevitable, I think. I just can't get used to the idea that she's probably not going to be alive at the end of the year.

-----

March 28, 1979

At least she's not going to have to ever know what I'm doing.

-----

March 30, 1979

It hit. Hard. James actually had to take the day off because I was so upset. It just came crashing down on me and it was like I couldn't breathe anymore. I was prepared to see death, yes, but I expected it to be quick and violent, to people who knew it was a possibility. It's not supposed to be a year of suffering. Not to my mother. Then I think of Dad and what he's going through.

I want something to be fair, just for once. Something. Anything. Innocent Muggles get tortured, good people lose their lives, and yet Death Eaters walk free. People are suffering and I can't do anything about it, but it feels like everyone expects me to. They all expect something of me and I don't know what to give them. I can't react like anyone wants me to and there's nothing I can do about that.

-----

March 31, 1979

How can someone put a time limit on your life anyway? How can anyone say "You have six months to live" while not knowing anything about that person? Don't people bounce back from things like this? They're told they have a month and then live for another six years.

-----

April 1, 1979

Doctors are stupid. They don't know anything.

-----

April 2, 1979

She's not going to bounce back from this, is she?

-----

April 3, 1979

I don't know how to see Mum right now. Now that I know what's wrong, I can't believe I didn't see it before. I don't know how long she has, so I know everything I say to her might be the last time I say it, and it adds a weird pressure to it all. It's uncomfortable and then I feel like a horrible daughter. I don't know what to so and I don't know what to say. I'm completely helpless, and selfish, and I HATE it. I want her to be fine. I want this to be some horrible joke cooked up by James and Sirius in a fit of insanity. I'd forgive them if it was. Anything has to be better than what's really happening.

-----

April 4, 1979

It's horrible to be jealous of people with two healthy parents, isn't it?

-----

April 7, 1979

Today was actually all right. Bordering on good. It's Sirius' birthday, so he had us and Peter over all day at his flat. I think they were actually trying to cheer me up, if not take my mind off everything. It worked for a while. At one point Sirius was standing in front of the record player saying "Not that song, or that one... God, these blokes are depressing. How about this album?"

As for the band, Peter is now our groupie. James would be, but he's living off of the money he got in the divorce and being jealous of my new husband, John Lennon.

I don't think I've laughed like that in months.

-----

April 10, 1979

James is going away for the weekend. It's the first time since February. I hate that he has to go, and that all I'm going to do is worry because he was almost killed last time. I hate that Dumbledore would even send him.

...later...

And Dumbledore sends him because James asks to go. There will be an argument.

-----

April 13, 1979

James is gone for another trip. He assures me there's no way for anyone to know it'll be him that's going, and he'll be perfectly safe, but that doesn't matter. Well, it does. I wanted to know why he would volunteer to go. I understand the whole noble sacrifice thing, I know that he has been solidly against Voldemort since this whole mess started. I know that James doesn't back down from anything he feels strongly about. I know all this, but I want a different answer.

He gave me a two-way mirror, so we can communicate. It makes me feel better, but I have a feeling I'll panic if he goes three hours without contacting me.

-----

April 14, 1979

Jane says I don't call her anymore. I had to tell her about Mum. I almost told her everything.

-----

April 15, 1979

I think I have a new respect for Petunia. She's really been there for Mum. I wish I could be there more, but it's not always possible. Petunia makes snide comments about it to me, but she's being wonderful to our mother. And honestly, I think she does know how hard this is for me.

I'm trying to be there for Dad. I've always been closer to him. It's not easy, though. He doesn't want to deal with it all so I get pushed away, and I don't really have anything to DO, but I'm supposed to do something.

-----

April 16, 1979

James asked if I wanted to go away for the weekend, just us, no Order. I want to, but if something happens to Mum, I want to be accessible. She's getting bad. I shouldn't be noticing the difference in her like I am. If you see someone this often, you're not supposed to notice subtle changes unless they're not subtle.

I wonder if hearing you only have so long is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You hear you have six months to live and you start thinking you have to die in six months. Maybe that's what's happening.

-----

April 17, 1979

Who am I kidding. My parakeet died when I was eight and no one could talk to me for weeks.

-----

April 18, 1979I want it over. She's suffering and my dad is suffering and so is Petunia. None of us should have to keep going through this. Is that horrible of me? I just don't want to see my mum degenerate any more. I just don't. She doesn't deserve this.

-----

April 19, 1979

I wonder if you know when you're going to die. Is there a moment where you know what's happening? Does your life really flash before your eyes? Or is it just over?

-----

April 21, 1979

Mum wanted to talk with me today. I kind of knew this was coming. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. She told me how proud she is of me and how she only wants me to be happy... I really didn't want to cry in front of her, but I did. Like a little baby. I don't think I've cried like that in front of her since I left for Hogwarts first year. She must know how bad she is.

-----

April 23, 1979

Yesterday James talked me into just staying home. Not going to my parents' or to do more Order work that I don't need to be doing. I think I needed that. I just needed a day alone with the very-alive man I love, trying to feel my age for once.

It worked for a while.

-----

April 25, 1979

Mum was admitted to a hospital last night. The doctors say it could be a week, it could be hours.

-----

April 27, 1979

I quit my job yesterday, because The Boss wouldn't give me time off to see my mum. I blew up at him and walked out. I actually got applause. Today he begged me to come back. I did, as long as I can leave when I need to. James keeps telling me I don't need the job, but I do. Doing that gives me something to focus on.

-----

April 28, 1979

Petunia and I had a nearly-civil conversation at the hospital. It was strange to get along for fifteen minutes.

I've decided I hate hospitals. If I never set foot in another one as long as I live, I'll be happy.

-----

April 29, 1979

I almost wish she wasn't holding on like she is. It's prolonging everyone's pain. Mostly her own. Dad says she's not ready to die. I didn't realize anyone got a choice in the matter.

-----

May 1, 1979She fell asleep this morning and hasn't woken up yet. They don't think she will.

-----

May 2, 1979

She died at 6:30 this morning. Dad was with her.

-----

May 9, 1979

This whole week has just been...

At times, James can be very good with people who are falling apart. I can say this because I did. I thought I was prepared. I've been waiting for it to happen. I was all right at the hospital, and then the word "funeral" was mentioned and I had to leave the room to have my nervous breakdown. I don't think anyone expected me to be THAT upset. I've been storing it up for two months. Longer, actually. Petunia and I agreed that Dad should not have to make all the arrangements and that we would handle it. She actually did most of the work after seeing me come apart.

It's all over. We had the wake and the funeral, and now it's a matter of taking care of Dad. I'd never seen him cry before. I hope I never see it again.

It's horrible to say, but it's almost a relief. We all knew it was going to happen, we all got our goodbyes. It dragged on for almost too long, but I think we all mostly went through the grieving process before she was even dead. I had my breakdown and now I can throw myself into everything else without feeling guilty.

...later...

All right, a little guilty.

-----

May 11, 1979

I haven't really talked all that much with Marlene, but she told me today how she admired the way I handled it. (I don't.) Her father died a year ago, so we were able to share her stories and it helped.

-----

May 12, 1979

He attempted to make breakfast this morning. James? Can't cook. The Muggle way, the magical way, or otherwise. He just can't, it's like the one thing he isn't good at. (Well, shopping.) He can pick up a telephone and order a pizza. But he tried. He looked so cute with pancake batter on his nose.

With all that's been happening, I feel like I haven't been there enough for James, or given him enough credit for all he's been doing. If it wasn't for him, I would not be standing right now. Even when he doesn't know what to do, he tries, and that means so much. I'm so glad I married him. I love him so much. I don't think he knows.

-----

May 14, 1979

I have to say that Sirius trying to traumatize James is probably the funniest thing I have ever seen.

-----

May 17, 1979

I ran into Severus in Diagon Alley. I haven't seen him since school ended. He really didn't seem to want to talk to me, though. I don't suppose he would.

I don't understand what turns James into a child when he hears about Severus. I just don't get it. He can't give me a concrete answer, either, or at least not one that doesn't make him sound horribly immature. The reason he doesn't like Anthony is because he's a Slytherin and the reason he doesn't like Severus is because he's Severus. I can see why Severus hated James, I really can. I defended him enough to James. I don't know. We don't see him anymore, there's really no reason for me to be this annoyed.

-----

May 18, 1979

I feel like I'm starting to get my bearings back. Yes, I'm still worried that Voldemort is going to show up at our door. Yes, I'm still trying very hard to keep The Boss from finding out what I'm doing. Yes, I miss my mum. But I'm starting to feel like myself again, like I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling normal.

I have not experienced this domestic bliss everyone keeps telling me about. It's more like domestic chaos.

-----

May 19, 1979

James and I are making plans to get away. Just for a weekend. We talked about it before my mother died (that looks weird) but didn't get to do it. He apparently knows a place in Wales that he wants to take me to. As long as it's not here, I'll go just about anywhere.

I mentioned the domestic chaos, and it's true. I don't think we've actually gotten the chance to really be newlyweds. We got married and it was immediate STRESS. And I can't even blame it on one of us! It's everything around us. This gets frustrating.

-----

May 26, 1979

After the Order meeting, James and I went out for drinks with the boys. Which is about all I remember of the night. I hadn't eaten and I think I was feeling a little self-destructive. James and Sirius were worse. They had to be. I don't care what Remus and Peter say. Actually, I owe Remus something shiny for getting us all home. We ended up staying at his and Sirius' place for the night, and this morning Remus told us stories about what we did. Maybe. I think he's playing with us. I highly doubt I actually danced on the table, and no, I'm not reenacting that scene for any of them. Yes, even you, James. Less reading, more back rub.

...later...

All right, I HOPE I didn't do that.


	5. Chapter Five

May 27, 1979

It's almost been a month since Mum died. I don't know why it seems like longer.

Dad isn't calling and that worries me. I actually called Petunia to see if she had heard from him, but she hasn't. It makes me feel better to know I'm not alone in worrying.

...later...

I went to check on Dad, who keeps insisting that he's fine and he just hasn't felt like talking. I wonder if this happens to a lot of people who lose someone that close. I almost hope so, if that means this will pass.

Should I still feel as bad as he does?

-----

May 30, 1979

Nearly got caught at work. I've been shaky ever since. Sometimes I wonder if I really am doing the right thing here. I know I'm doing the RIGHT THING, but is it right for me? How far am I actually willing to go for this?  
  
I don't know why I'm asking. I know the answer.

-----

May 31, 1979

I'm leaving tomorrow, straight from work. THANK GOD. I couldn't take much more of this week.

-----

June 3, 1979

James and I got back from our trip to find that someone had broken into our flat. They didn't take anything, which really says that this wasn't some random Muggle burglary. The fact that they didn't touch the television says it all, I think. They did some ransacking, but all of the Order information is with Dumbledore and this book was with me, so they couldn't get to anything besides our old paperwork (mainly bills). They didn't take any of that.

James and I have been talking about leaving this place, finding somewhere else. We don't HAVE to be in London and someone knows where we are. I don't think we'll actually leave, though. I think whoever did it knew we would be gone. They might be watching us. If someone was going to kill us, they would have done it. The fact that they didn't doesn't mean they can't. The problem is that James and I are so stubborn. This is OUR home and neither of us want to be driven out of it. I know that's stupid, but we can be found anywhere we go. If that's the case, we would both rather be somewhere that we want to be.

-----

June 4, 1979

Sometimes I bait The Boss, looking for a reaction. I tell him that my flat was ransacked over the weekend and I get no reaction whatsoever. I wonder if he had anything to do with it.

-----

June 5, 1979

Dumbledore knows some protective wards to put up on the flat. We should be safe while we're there. It is a relief. James' friends have been over quite a bit the last few days. It's comforting knowing that they're there to protect us.

-----

June 9, 1979

I left Hogwarts almost a full year ago. It seems unreal. What a difference a year makes.

-----

June 10, 1979

I have the best husband. I am feeling the effects of a bad week (again- it seems to be all I have) and so last night he decided to cheer me up. With sock puppets. Really. He drew faces on a pair of his socks with a marker, and they had a conversation. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. He doesn't know how to deal with other people's problems, so he takes you out of it until you realize your problems aren't so bad when you compare them to someone so obviously mentally damaged.

-----

June 13, 1979

Oh my God. The sock puppet story had gotten around. Remus' socks were donated to the show last night, albeit against his will. They may all well be insane.

Peter seems to be doing better. He's not so obviously following James and Sirius anymore. I don't think he can. James went one way, Sirius went another, so who does he follow? Probably James, but he can't. I don't worry about Peter so much anymore. I'm glad for that.

There's just something about the thought of Remus going home with little smiley faces on his feet that makes me giggle.

-----

June 14, 1979

Jane still doesn't think I want to be around her. I would want to if she didn't bring up every problem I've had over the last six months (that she knows about) every time I see her. James' friends (I have to stop that. Sirius yelled at me about that and assured me I've been adopted.) see all the REALLY bad things. They know about Voldemort, they know about the break-in, they know why I still bother going to work. And yet I don't think about that kind of thing when it's the five of us. Jane somehow reminds me of that, which I hate. She's my best friend and it's hard to be around her.

-----

June 17, 1979

Tonight was the first time I've ever been serenaded. By a socket puppet. Singing "Hey Jude." By JAMES. Who doesn't know all the words, or the tune.

I need to get him off of this obsession, I really do.

-----

June 20, 1979

We had my dad over for dinner yesterday. It got him smiling, at least. I think James sometimes forgets that my dad is MY DAD and he says things without thinking. He probably wouldn't get away with it if Dad didn't like him so much.

-----

June 22, 1979

The boys came over for James' birthday last night. I decided not to drink anything because I don't want to be accused of dancing on any more tables, and I've found that being the sober one is actually more fun. Because they're insane. Next time I'll have a camera ready.

-----

June 27, 1979

New names are appearing on The Boss' schedule, and I recognize some of the names as people I went to school with.

-----

July 7, 1979

There's a photo of all the Order members now. Remus mentioned later that it might not be the safest thing, at which point James and Sirius accused him of losing the Marauder spirit. I'm not sure Remus will let them get away with that.

I don't think I've ever seen all of us together in one place before. Usually one person or another is on Order business. There aren't that many of us, which feels a bit daunting. I won't dwell on that. We're all doing a lot of excellent work, which is more impressive given the small number of people. It's extremely amusing to see Dumbledore and his brother together. Weird bloke, Aberforth. I think he was serious when he came on to me. Overall, it was definitely the best meeting we've had. It was nothing but good news, and everyone had a good time, and we have a record of it.

-----

July 9, 1979

I hate work. I think it's been a while since I've stated that, but I do. I hate The Boss. I've almost been at this job for a year and I want an award for my perseverance.

-----

July 12, 1979

James doesn't really talk much about Auror training, but I think sometimes it wears on him more than he lets on. I know it's hard work. So few people are admitted into the program and fewer actually make it through. I'm surprised he doesn't complain more. Or at least, he doesn't complain to me.

-----

July 13, 1979

Double dates with Frank and Alice are a good thing, and we need to do that more often.

-----

July 18, 1979

I've got quite a few pages left in this book, considering I have been using it for over a year. I haven't been writing as often as usual, though.

I love watching James with Gideon's children. I think the girl has a crush on him. I want all of this to be over so I can put more thought into this. But right now, I can't.

...later....

All right, I can THINK about it, but not seriously.

...later...

I can think about it seriously but I can NOT tell James.

-----

July 22, 1979

Marlene's been killed. Marlene and her whole family. Death Eaters showed up at her house this evening.

-----

July 27, 1979

I've never been to a funeral for a friend before. This is the second funeral I've been to in three months.

I think I thought we were all safe. James and I escaped from Voldemort, Frank and Alice have done so twice, and we think we're invincible now. Why else would I dream of staying at the flat that had been ransacked? I don't think we comprehend it all. I'm eighteen and I have a new husband and that means I can't die. Well, Marlene was in her thirties with a husband and two children. Why should it be her? Why should it have been her husband and two children? They didn't ask for this. If something happens to me or James, at least we know WHY. We'll be half-expecting it. I wonder if Marlene expected it.

-----

July 28, 1979

I almost never want to set foot outside again. I wouldn't be against it just being me and James and not having to deal with ANY of this. Are the sock puppets going to come out every time I'm upset?

Yes. Every time. They love you, Lily.

They smell.

LIAR!

Sniff them, I dare you. See, you won't.

They've been washed. See where the black is faded?

I'm divorcing you.

What if Little Jimmy wants to live with you?

Tell me you're talking about the puppet.

DIRTY GIRL!

-----

August 2, 1979

There should be laws against this kind of heat. Can I speak to Parliament about this?

Things are I think getting back to normal. Immediately after Marlene was murdered all of the work for the Order just stopped, in case of another attack. We're starting to go on now. James is headed to Ireland or someplace this weekend. I was worried, but Sirius is going with him, and I will be staying with Remus because James is worried about me. No one expects any danger, but after Marlene, we don't want to take any chances.

-----

August 5, 1979

I'm always uncomfortable staying with someone else. I'm having a good time with Remus, though. I feel like we don't get to spend as much time together. I think he's gotten used to keeping people at a distance. I don't know if the other members of the Order know he's a werewolf, but he doesn't bring it up at all. If someone asks if he can do something on the night of the full moon, he'll immediately have an excuse ready, and it sounds completely plausible. He's a scarily good liar, which isn't a surprise talent for a Marauder to have, but it's the reason why that's so sad.

Enough being depressing. I like Remus. Fun, no being depressing.

-----

August 8, 1979

James and I actually went on duty together last night. It was just staking out a few offices at the Ministry under the invisibility cloak. Dumbledore has us all going in pairs, otherwise one of us could have handled it alone. There isn't much to say about it, just that if I was going to be hiding with my husband under that cloak, I'd rather it be for other reasons. Knowing why we were there was odd. James kept saying things to me like, "And you say I never take you out anymore."

-----

August 13, 1979

I. HATE. MY. JOB.

-----

August 15, 1979

I wonder if The Boss knows what I'm doing and that's why he's passive-aggressively trying to make my life hell.

-----

August 19, 1979

James is now actively trying to get me to find another job. I don't HAVE to work, but I feel what I'm doing is important and I don't want to give up something that's helping the Order because I'm tired. I'm sure there are other things I can do for them, but I have found more information doing what I'm doing than I had ever expected. With the right leads, Death Eaters have been caught. I've been able to do this for a year without being caught. I'm doing something right and I don't want to risk anyone else doing it.

I almost think I'm talking myself into staying.

-----

August 23, 1979

Given Petunia's relationship with Dad, and with Mum gone, I don't actually think I'm going to ever have reason to see her again.

-----

August 25, 1979

Sometimes it's just nice to wake up an hour before I have to and just lay there with James' arm around me. Even if I do have to move it from over my neck first. Every once in a while I'm amazed that I am where I am. If you'd have told me even two years ago that James Potter would make me this happy, I never would have believed it.

I wish that things could be normal sometimes. We don't have a lot of the normal couple fights because we can't really be a normal couple. It worries me and it doesn't. On one hand, we know that we can survive his snoring and my intended affair with a certain Beatle because we've dealt with so much worse. But when this is over with Voldemort, then what? How do you become a normal couple without practice?

I won't worry about it. I love James and he makes me happy. That's really all that matters.

-----

August 29, 1979

I hate The Boss. He is BAD. HATE him.

...later...

I was actually talking like that when I first got home. I think James was really concerned.

-----

September 1, 1979

I had to run an errand for The Boss this morning that took me past King's Cross. I got to see a lot of kids and their parents rushing into the station to catch the Hogwarts Express. I don't think I was ever that little.

Then I think about Marlene's son would have been on that train as a second year. I wonder how his absence will affect the other students.

-----

September 3, 1979

Dad's birthday today. He didn't want to do anything for it. He didn't even want me to come over. I want to see him happy and all right and I don't know how to make that happen.

-----

September 7, 1979

Remus is in the hospital. He used to end up in the hospital wing when we were at school but I think it was just Madam Pomfrey wanting to be sure he was all right every month. James says he's seen worse, but he seems pretty shaken. I think he feels bad that he wasn't there, and yet Remus needs medical attention now. He'll be fine, it's nothing life-threatening (in fact, he blames it on Sirius' overreaction and gets testy if you don't immediately agree), but I wonder if this isn't just another case of everything getting to all of us. He admitted once to getting worse injuries in times of stress, so maybe this says something. I just don't know what to do about it. We're all under enormous pressure, but what does stopping mean?

-----

September 11, 1979

We saw Remus at the Order meeting. He looks all right, mostly. He kept getting questions about where he had been and looked tired and uncomfortable about it. So James and Sirius started coming up with really elaborate stories that couldn't have possibly ever happened, like how Remus fell off the Eiffel Tower or faced down a herd of stampeding elephants. (Remus liked the elephant story because it makes him look brave, where the Eiffel Tower one just makes him look clumsy.) People stopped asking eventually. I wish he didn't have to make excuses all the time.

-----

September 12, 1979

James doesn't seem to be at all exhausted about Auror training until he realizes the date and says "Only two more years to go."

Another Muggle couple was tortured and killed this week. Sometimes it all just seems futile. I don't believe any of the Death Eaters are actually under the Imperius Curse. I believe they are just the other side of the coin to people like me and James and Alice and Edgar. If something were to happen to Dumbledore, I sure as hell wouldn't give up and say "Oh, well, I guess that's it." So even if we can get rid of Voldemort, what about all of his followers? Would they carry on the fight or would they run and hide? Either way, can we actually get all of them? There's just so much.

-----

September 13, 1979

I went out with Anne and Jane, which I haven't done in over a month. It was good to spend some time with the girls when no one's saying "So how are you REALLY doing?" Anne's got a new boyfriend and seems to be happy, but I kind of miss her with Eric. They were just good together. I don't know. I'm supposed to go to the cinema with Anne tomorrow as my early birthday present to her. She's never been and I haven't gone for a while, plus I don't get a lot of Anne time anymore.

-----

September 14, 1979After a truly horrendous day at work, I met up with Anne. I think we talked through the whole film. She doesn't like Anthony either. I just keep thinking about how Maggie West is engaged, Jane seems to be getting close and Anne wanted to be. I know I was engaged at seventeen, but I don't think it's for everyone. James and I can't have a really normal marriage because of everything else going on, and luckily it works for us. I wouldn't want to see Jane or Anne in a marriage at our age because I know how they both are. Especially Anne. That sounds horrible and hypocritical of me.

Anne sort of knows what's going on. She started out with "I know you hate hearing this, but how are you really?" She's known things are happening, but I said they're all things I can't tell her. I think she knows everything, but she didn't admit to it. She asked if it was dangerous, and I said maybe. I lied right to her face because I KNOW it's dangerous. Anne just nodded and said that I can always talk to her. We left it at that, but I'm so relieved to admit even just that.

-----

September 16, 1979

I can't believe how much better I feel. James' friends (no, the boys. Sorry) know how hard this is for all of us, but know someone REALLY knows that I'm not all right with everything. They know because they know it, too, but I mean someone outside all of this. Ask me how I'm doing and I'll say I'm fine, but I am TIRED. I get angry with what is happening. I am frustrated. I am scared. I'm honestly not doing too well. James knows this, but he's involved. He's not a reason or anything, but he's a part of it. I think I needed someone who is separate from this whole mess to know how I feel.

-----

September 23, 1979

I'm TIRED of this. I AM TIRED. I am sick of seeing bad things happen to people who don't deserve it, and I'm tired of always having to be SCARED.

James and I stopped off at Dorcas' shop to get some things from her for duty tonight and we walked in on Voldemort attacking her. We couldn't do anything to save her. I thought James was actually going to attempt to fight Voldemort to the death, which is what it would have come to. If there had been Death Eaters around, we wouldn't have made it out of there alive. As it was, Voldemort went for Dorcas alone.

Dumbledore doesn't want me to go back to work. I don't care. I'm not stopping. James and I could have been in Diagon Alley, in that store, for anything. It doesn't name me as a member of the Order.

I'm worried for James. Voldemort went after him before, so I don't want to think about what will happen now. James knows this, too. I doubt I'm in any serious danger (besides being James' wife) but this is twice now. And the fact that he stood up to Voldemort the way he did...

I've never seen anyone die before. I've been to funerals, seen dead bodies, but I've never seen someone alive one minute and dead the next. It didn't look like anything had happened to her. She looked like she could have been sleeping.

-----

September 24, 1979

Voldemort probably knows me now. He's seen me twice. If he's smart, he'll find out what he can about me. If he knows James is in the Order, which he obviously does, he might figure after seeing him twice, I might join up...

I blame Peter for everything I just wrote.

-----

September 25, 1979

I took yesterday off of work, and then came in this morning. I told The Boss how I just happened to be there and how scared I was, which was partially true. I don't think he knew how to deal with me crying all over the office (which was an act, I think, but good catharsis) so he seemed really concerned. I THINK it was genuine. Either way, I think I convinced him that I was oblivious to all of this, but I don't know whether or not I did James any good.

-----

September 27, 1979

I have a feeling I don't know exactly what Dorcas was doing for the Order. Voldemort tends to go after the people who are really hurting him (like how James was consistently getting potential Voldemort contacts onto our side first) but I have to wonder exactly what was going on. What is bad enough that Voldemort thinks you are worth a personal visit? How hard do you actually have to hit him?  
  
I need to stop thinking.

-----

September 28, 1979

I was able to give Anne the same story I gave The Boss. She might know why we were at the shop without me telling her, but she can't know anything definite. It was good to be able to get some things off my chest, at least.

Jane called me. Yes, CALLED, maybe she figured the Floo Network wasn't safe. She talked me through a lot of things. She hasn't figured anything out (which I admit bothers me a little) and I'm not going to tell her.

I know Dumbledore had a long talk with James, but I have no idea what was said. I'm worried about James' physical safety, but I'm really worried about HIM. Sirius has noticed it, too. He's just bothered and I want to help but I don't know how. I'm not used to seeing this from him.

-----

September 30, 1979

He's definitely having nightmares. He does this weird jerking awake thing and then doesn't get back to sleep for a long time. It wakes me up, but I try not to let him know that.

-----

October 3, 1979

James and I had a really long talk last night about what's happening. We again threw around the idea that we should leave our flat, maybe England altogether. Maybe settle somewhere else in Britain. I doubt we will. Nothing's happened to us yet and I would expect Voldemort to strike hard and fast. Why wait for us to fall into a false sense of security? James admitted he's worried about something happening to me. I wasn't supposed to be there the first time, though it was a good thing I was. And this time he asked if I wanted to stay behind and go on home while he went to Dorcas' shop, though I don't see why he's blaming himself based on that. Just being in the Order is enough to get us killed, but I work covertly while James is practically an open target. And yes, if they go after James they won't care if they kill me as well. It doesn't matter to me. I mean, I don't want to die, but I don't want James to feel responsible for my well-being. He's my husband, not my father. I am an adult and any choices I make are my own, and I alone am responsible for them.

Maybe I should just read this entry to him because I can't seem to say any of this correctly out loud.

-----


	6. Chapter Six

October 5, 1979

I've been worried about Dad. Not just because of Mum, but because of Voldemort. I've asked Petunia to check in on him more. I have a feeling it does more harm than good for me to be there that often.

James seems a little better outwardly, but he's still having nightmares. I finally asked him about it when it woke me up last night, but he wouldn't tell me. He's out tonight with the boys at the full moon. With what happened to Remus last month, I think he felt he had to. Hopefully it'll do him some good.

-----

October 6, 1979

Severus' name showed up on one of The Boss' lists. This doesn't mean he's a Death Eater. If The Boss only knew of Death Eaters, he'd be a bit obvious. I don't know why I want this to be wrong. Maybe because I defended him so much in school. Maybe he's doing this because of James. Maybe he's doing it to get back at him and Sirius.

I'm being stupid.

I reported it to Dumbledore, of course. I felt really bad about it. I still do.

...later...

I am NOT telling James about this.

-----

October 8, 1979

Peter had plans, so we didn't get to take him out for his birthday until tonight. It was really nice to just be with friends and forget what was going on, if only for a few hours.

-----

October 9, 1979

I'll ignore that James sat against the wall all last night and kept scanning the crowd the whole time.

-----

October 13, 1979

Oh my God. I just got a call from Jane that started "Guess what I just did?" She got MARRIED. She and Anthony eloped. I don't think I have words for this.

-----

October 16, 1979

I feel bad for Anne. Jane is suddenly all about her new impromptu marriage. Now, Jane had three dates all through school. One was a forced double date, one was the result of blackmail, and one was willing but so bad that she seriously considered converting to Catholicism just to become a nun. And now a year out of Hogwarts, she's married. And Anne is the single friend. She just has rotten luck in this department. This was always the one thing I thought I could count on Jane NOT to do. I thought Anne would be the one to elope without telling anyone first. I think Anne thought that, too.

I need to find a way to help everyone in my life. This makes it official.

-----

October 18, 1979

James says I'm no good at sock puppet theater. My voice for Little Jimmy is all wrong. He smiled, though.

-----

October 20, 1979

I learned an important lesson, and I was glad I could remedy this. We had Frank and Alice over and of course the conversation turns to Order matters. (Alice and I can get along as people in general, but James and Frank immediately turn to the one thing they have in common.) From there, Voldemort came up in conversation. This is not a subject you want to bring up with James anymore. So I got a hold of Remus and Sirius and practically begged them to come over. It really did help and I'm so grateful they came. I don't really know what to do anymore, and I think Sirius knows how to find that out. Thank God.

I was the one shaken up in February, and now it's James' turn. I know I got through it because I had another crisis to distract me, but I've never seen James like this. I suppose it's something you get used to in the course of a relationship, but I don't know what to do. I feel out of my league.

-----

October 25, 1979

James seriously suggested getting together with "Mr. and Mrs. Slytherin." I almost think he wants to prank Anthony. I REALLY hope he's grown out of that.

-----

October 27, 1979

He hasn't. He really hasn't. It was a series of small pranks that Anthony actually laughed at for a while. Then as they were leaving, James tells me "Wait till you see what I did to his broom."

I didn't look. I didn't ask. I hope no one ever tells me.

-----

October 28, 1979

I spent the day with Jane and Anne. Mostly apologizing to Jane. Then I got to stop a fight between the girls. When Anne calls her "Mrs. Nott," she's not being cute about it. Jane accused her of being jealous and spiteful, Anne said she'd made the biggest mistake of her life for the first bloke who looked at her twice, and I got to mediate and pretend they both didn't have valid points.

It is better than some of the other issues I have to deal with.

Strangely enough, James seems to feel better after his stunt last night. I'm glad for it, but I am disturbed that my seemingly adult husband gets his jollies pranking Slytherins. He says I should be glad it wasn't a full-on Marauder prank. Believe me, I am.

He forgot the first date anniversary again. I've decided not to try this one.

-----

October 30, 1979

I think Jane and Anne are talking again. They're not talking nicely, but it's a start.

-----

November 2, 1979

James left for Norway today. I have no idea what's in Norway, but he looked nervous about it for the first time. I wanted Sirius to go with him, but Sirius is on some mission in Egypt or someplace, and I don't think James trusts anyone as much as Sirius.

...later...

He's already reported in once via mirror.

-----

November 3, 1979

Remus keeps checking in on me, and so has Peter once or twice. I was going to stay with Remus like I did before, but I'm tired of feeling like I have to be protected. There are wards on the flat, I've been speaking to James, Remus, Peter, Dad, Alice and even Moody, and I am fine.

I want James home, though.

-----

November 5, 1979

James homecomings are always good. He looks so happy to see me, and there's something to that first hug and kiss, like it's a reassurance. "I am all right." I usually don't notice how anxious I've been until I see him and it all goes away.

-----

November 7, 1979

Sometimes the fact that I'm still at my job amazes me. I'm impressed with my own tenacity.

-----

November 9, 1979

The bastard does it on PURPOSE, I swear. He tries to make me think I did it all wrong, and that's his way of humiliating me. I gave him an ultimatum. He treats me better or I quit. He told me he'd have to think about it. FINE.

-----

November 11, 1979

If I'd had to go to work on my birthday, I would have cried. Instead, I spent the day with James, ordering out for food because he wouldn't let me cook today and the alternative is him cooking, and just generally being in a good mood for an entire day. I need more of these days, and so does he.

-----

November 12, 1979

I am home from work. I refuse to go in to see if I have a job.

And at the same time I'm mentally begging The Boss to contact me because I have this job for a reason and I really wasn't thinking when I did it.

-----

November 13, 1979

Still no call from The Boss. No owl saying I've been sacked. He's doing this on bloody purpose.

-----

November 14, 1979

I'm taking my frustrations out on James. I keep apologizing, but he keeps joking that he'll ask for his next assignment for the Order to be a long stay in Siberia. (More punishment for him than me, I think, given that it's Siberia.)

-----

November 15, 1979

I got the call. I WIN.

I guess he pulled in poor Nora from the office to tell me that if I didn't come in tomorrow, I was officially terminated. I went off on her and asked to talk to The Boss. He kept me waiting so I walked away. Two hours later I find The Boss' head in my fireplace, yelling my name. We worked it out.  
  
Thank God. I think I was scaring James.

-----

November 16, 1979

I seem to be getting a certain amount of respect for The Boss situation. People I've never talked to before are coming up to me and telling me they're proud of me. It's making things a lot easier to deal with.

-----

November 23, 1979

Petunia and the walrus? Are SPAWNING.

I've seen The Omen. This could be worse.

-----

November 24, 1979

I can't imagine Petunia as a mother. She'd probably hire someone to raise it for her. I can't see her doing any of the things you have to do for a baby. The poor kid will grow up warped.

Thanks to James I've adopted the immaculate conception idea. There are some things I never ever want to picture. I begged him to erase my memory if he really loved me.

-----

November 26, 1979

Dad is really getting used to the grandfather idea. I don't think I've seen him that happy in a long time. At least the demon-in-progress has accomplished something.

Sirius says he can see me being the cool aunt who buys stuff for my niece or nephew and takes them all the places his parents won't. I know I'll never be let near the kid. Petunia might have allowed it (at holidays), but I doubt Vernon will. If Mum was alive it might be a different story, but it's not, so there it is.

-----

November 27, 1979

The Boss seems to actually be getting meaner. I don't think it would have been this bad if everyone else in the office hadn't fallen in love with me.

-----

November 28, 1979

Why do I keep putting myself through what I do at work? Dumbledore has told me twice that I can leave. James keeps saying I should quit. I don't know why I need to keep taking this kind of abuse, except that the payoff is bigger than what I'm going through.

I just want to stop feeling like repeatedly banging my head against a hard surface would be more enjoyable.

-----

November 30, 1979

You know when you hear something about someone and you start thinking it applies to you?  
  
Forget it.

-----

December 7, 1979

I'm late. This isn't so much late as I've completely missed a period. I've been telling myself for a week and a half that it's just late, that it'll come, and I was just being paranoid because of Petunia.

I can't deal with this right now.

-----

December 8, 1979

James is off to somewhere that's not here. I don't think I've ever been glad to see him go. He left last night and I got to have a complete panic attack. I didn't tell him yet. I don't know why. I don't know anything for sure. Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's some psychosomatic effect. Maybe my body has just HAD it and this is its way of telling me. We were always careful because now is not a good time.

...later...

I went to the pharmacy. I'm waiting for test results.

I don't know what I want it to be.

What if this is just baby envy? Maybe that's all it is.

Oh, God.

...later...

I went back to the pharmacy and got three more tests, each a different brand, just to be ABSOLUTELY SURE.

I have a timer going so I know when to check it. It's the most annoying sound in the world.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong.

The ticking was annoying, but the obnoxious DING is worse. Okay.

...later...

Four tests can't be wrong, right?

...later...

I don't want to say this to anyone via fireplace, and I keep picking up the telephone and putting it down again. If I call Jane or Anne, what do I expect them to say to make it better and I don't want to tell anyone before I tell James and HOW THE HELL DO I TELL JAMES???

This is a bad idea. A very bad idea. We were taking precautions for a reason. Our first anniversary isn't even until the end of the month. We're both doing work for the Order, which is anything but safe. Voldemort has tried to KILL JAMES. So this baby is just all around bad timing.

I haven't been picking up the mirror when James calls. He had Sirius come check on me. I assured him that I'm fine and I just don't feel like talking. I sort of expect him to come back, though, probably on James' order.

I'm nineteen. I'm still a TEENAGER.

...later...

I've missed one period, so that's what, November? Maybe October? So in July or August, I'm having a baby. That looks too strange to possibly be real.

...later...

This time next year, the baby will be four or five months old. We'll be buying Christmas presents for him or her.

What do babies DO at four months old? I know they're not walking or talking yet. Do they crawl at that age? I have no idea. I don't know what I'm doing.

The doctor's office is closed, but I'm going to schedule an appointment on Monday. I don't know how this goes in the wizarding world, and while it probably doesn't involve stirrups, I'd rather stick with what I know.

...later...   
  
This is irresponsible of us.

...later...

I don't even know how James will react. He hasn't been in the greatest place since the last altercation with Voldemort. Before that I know he would have been ecstatic. I think I want him to be happy, because I can't deal with him being upset. I mean, having the baby is the obvious answer and the only one I can make myself consider, but in that case, I want James to be all right about it. If he doesn't want it, then I don't know.

If I am resigning myself to having and keeping the baby, I can't keep being upset like this. It's a waste of time and energy.

...later...

This doesn't change the fact that this is a BAD IDEA. And bad timing. James and I have refused to leave our home, but add a baby into the mix and we have to consider them first.

We're too young for this.

...later...

This explains why I've been bitchy.

...later...

How do you tell people about this? Especially when you don't know how you feel about it? I don't know how to tell Dad that I'm pregnant because that means I'm admitting that I've had sex. It doesn't matter that I'm married. It's still weird. I don't know how anyone in the Order is going to take it. Probably not well. I don't think I'll be put on duty anymore.

...later...

I bet I'd be a better mum than Petunia.

Oh, GOD. Someone is going to call me "Mum."

...later...

I'll still be nineteen when he or she is born. That means I'll be thirty when they go off to school, so I'll still have some sort of life then. That's selfish, isn't it?

...later...

It's 3 am.

-----

December 9, 1979

It's 3:01 am. I should sleep. I've tried, but I can't. I don't know how I'm ever going to sleep again. I can't turn off my brain. I started thinking about the whole process of pregnancy and now it all seems very creepy. That's bad of me. I can't help it, it is. And I've never been through childbirth but I have it on good authority that it hurts.

...later...

I wonder how much it hurts.

...later...

I always wanted children. Always. I just figured I'd be older. I'd have a house. More than a year of marriage under my belt. I figured Mum would be around to talk me through it.

...later...

I like children, but... Just because you want them doesn't mean you should have them. I know nothing about children. I babysat the summer before my sixth year, but the youngest was six. I have no experience with them. What if I'm horrible at it? I might be the worst mother ever. I could potentially ruin this baby.

James is going to be a great dad, though. I just know it.

We've talked about kids. Before we ever even started talking about getting married, we were playing the What If? game. It just wasn't supposed to be like this.

...later...

I never figured I'd be married at eighteen. Just because things don't happen when you expect them to doesn't mean they shouldn't happen at all, right?

...later...

I had a horrible night sleeping. I finally fell asleep around 4:30, then woke up at 7, then fell back asleep until 9, and I woke up because I kept having strange dreams. I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY. I'm tired and that's just making all my thoughts more odd. Odder. Right.

This doesn't feel real, and that almost makes me think this can't possibly be happening. And I'm trying not to think positively yet, because I need to be able to think realistically and that won't happen if I start telling myself this is a good thing. It's not that I've decided it's a bad thing, it's just I am really very... I don't know.

...later...

1. Our finances may be able to take it. On both our salaries, we can do this. Should I lose my job (always a possibility) or James doesn't make it through Auror training, we might run into problems.

2. We have a one-bedroom flat. For the first year or so it might be fine, but then we have to do something.

3. Oh, yes, Voldemort. James is definitely a target. I could be, and now we're adding another little person into the mix to be either a target or an innocent bystander.

4. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't think James knows what to do.

5. I will be horrible at this. My child will grow up hating me.

6. I'm too young to do this.

7. Ow.

8. Voldemort.

9. James is often away on Order business, and gone for entire weekends. For that matter, how exactly do we both work, since we can't leave an infant on its own? See #1 for reasons why I need my horrible job.

10. James pulled a prank on Anthony just like he would have back in school. I was thinking things like "when do I get my life back?" Maybe we're not mature enough for this.

11. VOLDEMORT.

12. See #s 2, 3, 8 and 11 for reasons to leave here, which James and I have not wanted to do.

13. I am also too selfish for this. See 12.

14. James might not be happy about this.

15. Voldemort.

There. God, this is going to go all wrong, isn't it?

...later...

James usually comes home around midday, but he was so worried about me that he came back early. So I told him. Scratch 14 off my list. He asked me to repeat myself about six times and kept asking "How?" If he had any trouble figuring THAT one out, I wouldn't be in the middle of this panic. Then I think it started to sink in and he wouldn't stop smiling. I told him to stop and think about it, and he said "No. I want to be happy about this and I want you to be happy about this."

I showed him my entries from the last couple days, which is the most nerve-wracking thing I ever could have done, but I need him to know where I stand. Not that I know where I stand. He went through the entire list and countered everything I came up with. I kept asking him if he really understood the situation Voldemort puts us in, but he kept saying he refuses to think of this as a bad thing. And it's not that I do, it's just that I don't know how to deal with this, and I don't know how we're going to do this. It feels like I just learned how to be responsible for myself and now I'm going to have someone else depending on me, which is really a lot harder than it sounds right now.

-----

Dear Lily,

We'll be fine.

I love you.

-----

December 10, 1979

I could have murdered him for writing in my diary, but I didn't. Mostly because it helped.

I'm trying to get used to the idea, but it's difficult. I just can't SEE it. I'm trying to think optimistically. I'm REALLY trying. And this isn't a bad thing, it's just...

James wants to tell everyone. I begged him not to until I can figure out exactly how I feel about it. I'd like to be able to tell people with a genuine smile. I've had a lot of things to feel bad about lately, but I think the fact that I can't automatically be happy has to be the worst.

-----

December 11, 1979

We got into a conversation last night about what he or she is going to look like. I have to admit, I think I led that conversation. I actually liked trying to imagine the different possibilities. I think we're going to have cute kids. It was also a little insight into the little hang-ups James and I have. ("God, no, not my hair." "No child should have my ears." And so on.)

It's grudging, but a step nonetheless.


	7. Chapter Seven

December 12, 1979

When Anne called me on the phone today and asked how I am, I swear it just slipped out. For the next five minutes she got to hear a very shocked James in the background saying, "You SAID you didn't want to tell anyone yet!" and being offended.

So I've told someone. Anne reminded me that she's already named our kids, but is allowing us to consider other options. And it was a lot easier to tell her than I'd thought.

Remus and Sirius invited all of us over tonight, and James says if I'm telling people now, we can't not tell the boys. Okay. We can tell the boys.

-----

December 13, 1979

I don't know what to do with them. Their reactions were priceless. Sirius actually asked James "What did you do to the poor girl?!" I think that was the last thing he had expected me to say. Remus was normal, I guess, and happy for us, but Peter doesn't seem to have the slightest clue of what to do or say to me now. Didn't he just get over that?  
  
It's getting easier to tell people, and I think it's sinking in deeper the more I say it. James' mum said it was bad luck to tell people this early, but I can't help it. His parents know, Dad knows (and he was happy about it and didn't threaten James at all), I told Jane earlier... I'm getting used to it, and I think everyone else being so happy about it is rubbing off on me.

-----

December 14, 1979

Maybe I should have put off telling people until a doctor confirmed it, but it's confirmed now. Everything seems to be in order, and I'll have to have regular checkups, but it's OFFICIAL now.

...later...

Petunia says I'm doing this on purpose because she's pregnant. Yes, James and I planned this massive life change around HER. Please. Anyway, I was already pregnant when she announced it so HA.

I'd briefly entertained idyllic thought of cousins who liked each other and could play together. I've since come to my senses.

-----

December 17, 1979

We told the Order at last night's meeting. I think everyone realizes what could happen (see last week's list) but overall they seemed happy for us. Even Dumbledore. I imagine it has to be a little odd, seeing us as students two years ago and now we're going to be parents.

-----

December 18, 1979

Sirius presented me with a list of baby names, insisting that I have to have a girl because the names are better. Since I have nothing better to do (obviously), here is what he gave me, and I'm adding in his notes:

GIRLS:

Rita   
Sally

Michelle (Sirius: Possibilities! And bad French!)

Yoko (Sirius: Devil. Do this and I disown you both.)

Prudence

Julia (Sirius: Another very nice name.)

Lizzy

Pam (Sirius: Pam Potter? Please don't.)

Eleanor

Maggie Mae

Anna

Sadie

Lucy (Lily: I got into a fight with a Lucy once. No.)

Molly

Penny Lane (Sirius: Penny as the first name, Lane as the middle. You can call her Lanie.) (Lily: NO.)

BOYS:

Jude

Maxwell (Sirius: No, he had PROBLEMS.) (Lily: Agreed.)

Desmond

Bill

Doctor Robert (Sirius: Doctor as the first name, Robert as the middle.) (Lily: Sod off.)

-----

December 20, 1979

Remus told me that he almost had to forcibly stop Sirius from buying Christmas presents for our fetus.

-----

December 21, 1979Too many people are suggesting baby names, considering I'm not due until July. Anne is seriously pushing for Bob or Matilda. I don't know what's wrong with her. My dad wants one of us girls to name our baby after Mum. I hate the flower name thing. Petunia can do that.

Actually, Matilda's kind of grown on me.

-----

December 23, 1979

It's kind of amazing. Even The Boss can't bring me down. I haven't told anyone at work yet.

I've started trying to decide if I want a boy or a girl, things like that. It changes daily. Yesterday I wanted a girl because I know how to handle them. Today I want a boy because it'd be a challenge. Plus, I think James will do better with a boy. He'll be a terrific father either way, though. He's already trying to figure out what model his/her first broom will be.

-----

December 25, 1979

We had Christmas at Dad's house, which is very different without Mum. They were always her traditions anyway. It hurts sometimes, knowing she's gone. I think holidays will do that.

It was a good Christmas, though. We know next year everything will be all about Baby's First Christmas, and that should be interesting...

-----

December 26, 1979

What's wrong with Matilda? It's actually a very pretty name. The boys are all giving me a hard time with it. Even Remus looked at me and asked "What are you THINKING?" I LIKE Matilda, but something tells me I'm not getting it.

Well, some of the names Sirius suggested actually are pretty...

-----

December 27, 1979

When James starts talking about baby stuff, I swear there are times I want to shove one of these books at him and say "HERE, this is what's going to happen to my body, what do you think of THAT?"

-----

December 28, 1979

Given the trouble I had with Matilda, I should have known what would happen when I suggested boys' names. Two of my favorite names ever have been Edmund and Jeremiah. James looked at me like I had grown a second head. It's not like he has suggestions. These are all perfectly good names! There's nothing wrong with them. James says any boy named Jeremiah is going to spend his life getting croaked at. I think that just because HE would have done that doesn't mean anyone else will.

We've decided to find a new place to live when our lease is up. Maybe a house. James' parents have offered the down payment. I know we've been reluctant to leave here, but it's our choice now. No one's forcing us.

-----

December 29, 1979

The next person who blames anything on my hormones is getting hit, I swear.

-----

December 30, 1979

It's our first anniversary. I can't believe it's already been a year. I remember everyone telling me that the first year is the hardest, which it was, but not for the reasons they meant. I think James and I actually have it pretty good.

-----

December 31, 1979

We went out for our anniversary, which was very nice, and tonight we've having Anne and the boys over. Anne just broke up with the post-Eric boyfriend, so I'm not going to let her spend New Year's alone.

James has threatened to leave me if I actually name the baby Jeremiah. I don't think he's serious, but he REALLY hates the name.

-----

January 1, 1980

Sirius can be very cute sometimes. Like when he starts wondering if anyone should be drinking around me because alcohol has fumes.

Then there are times he's not so cute, such as when he brought up the Doctor Robert suggestion. Anne chimed in with Bob, and they compromised on Doctor Bob. It's a shame Sirius has a boyfriend because I think all that time I'd been setting him up with the wrong girls.

Overall, it was a good night. Peter and Anne both slept over, and as soon as James wakes up, we're going to breakfast.

-----

January 2, 1980

James has started calling the baby "Jerry." I may have to kill him.

------

January 3, 1980

Dad had a heart attack. I couldn't get in touch with him last night, so I panicked and went over there. He died at the hospital.

-----

January 4, 1980

I'm tired of people I love dying. I was prepared for Mum, but I wasn't. This wasn't supposed to happen.

I was able to complain about the wedding because I knew it was ultimately a good thing, and now I'm trying to plan a funeral. I can't say anything right anymore.

-----

January 8, 1980

The funeral was today. I almost think I'm getting numb to it. I was a mess at Mum's funeral but not at Dad's. I was closer to Dad, though. Am I getting used to people dying on me? Once you see someone die, do you lose something? Whatever part that makes it hurt?

I doubt Petunia will ever answer my calls after today, since there's no connection anymore. She doesn't need to see me now. That just... In about eight months I managed to lose the entire family I grew up with.

------

January 11, 1980

Gideon and Fabian took on five Death Eaters and lost. I don't know what happened, all I know is that they both died. I don't know how, exactly, who the Death Eaters were, or what the Prewetts were doing.

I'm not numb after all. It hasn't hit me yet but I can tell that it's going to. James is really upset, but he's known Gideon for years. I keep telling myself that at least their families weren't involved, that the children are all right.

-----

January 16, 1980

In the last eight days I have been to three funerals. There was Mum in May, Marlene in July, Dorcas in September, and January has been Dad, Gideon and Fabian. AND JANUARY ISN'T OVER.

James' dad said some words at the wake, which was held for both of them together, as did Moody and Dumbledore. I think just about everyone there was part of the Order, except for a few family members who thought we were all being unnecessarily cryptic.

I don't know. The brothers were actually closer to my parents' ages than mine. Mum and Dad were both really fairly young. It wasn't expected. Mum was sick, and there was nothing anyone could do, and we knew it was going to happen. Dad should have lived for at least another 20 years. My baby should be able to know his/her grandfather. But as sudden as it was, it was because of natural causes. I can handle that, I think. Maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe I should have seen him giving up. Maybe there was something I could have done. But ultimately I think I tried as hard as I could, and when it came down to it, I just couldn't help. Maybe I've been placing more importance on violence than anything else. For some reason I can't blame myself for Dad's death, though I am starting to feel that hurt, like when I picked up the telephone to call him this morning.

And I can't say I blame myself for the Prewetts or Marlene or Dorcas. Maybe I can. I know I thought about it when Marlene died- did I contribute to this? And I can't honestly answer that. I work for a Death Eater. What does that make me? Did I contribute to the deaths of any of my friends? Marlene's family?

I think that's what's really getting to me. I have maternal instincts and they're all nagging at me. One of their cousins was noticeably pregnant, and how is that child going to grow up when his family has already been affected like that? What am I bringing my baby into? Is he or she going to have to worry about what family member or friend they're going to lose next? What exactly has to happen to make it all stop?

-----

January 18, 1980

James and I have to put a lot of thought into "What if?" We're not planning on letting anything happen to us, but with everything going on, things don't always go according to plan.

The godfather issue has been debated, and was actually fairly easy. Petunia would never go for it, and parents are a funny issue with me right now. We seriously considered Remus, because we know at least he/she won't grow up to be a hooligan that way. But the concern is how long the Werewolf Registry would let Remus keep custody of a child. All they'd have to do would be change a law or two and our decision would mean nothing. Besides, Sirius has been invested in this baby from the moment he found out. He would do absolutely anything for James (and probably me) and I can see him being the best protector our son or daughter could have.

Besides, Remus will be around for the hooligan reason.

-----

January 19, 1980

I would never say that Dumbledore is getting paranoid, but it seems that he's getting a little paranoid. We don't have a great many people in the Order, and we've lost four in six months. They were all attacks. None of the Order members initiated it. We're all being very careful, mostly staying in places we know are safe. It's been suggested that Dorcas was killed at work because Voldemort couldn't get to her home. James and I both work in the Ministry, where no one would dare attack us, and they can't get to us at home. We're safe, but I hate feeling like a shut-in.

Dumbledore once again told me I should feel free to quit my job, and this time I agreed with him. If it was just me I'd put up a fight again and stay, but it's not just me I have to worry about.

We asked Sirius to be the godfather. I think he was more shocked than anything, but he said yes. It feels like a weight's been taken off of me.

-----

January 21, 1980

I gave notice to The Boss. He made me leave the office immediately, though I had been willing to stay until he found a replacement (someone Dumbledore could put in there, I would hope).

So. I am free.

-----

January 22, 1980

I am bored. There are things I could do, but the boys have all forbidden me to go out alone. Which is annoying, but there is the baby to worry about. This is going to get old so very fast.

-----

January 23, 1980

Every once in a while I'll think about what Dad would say about something and it all starts hurting again. I'm sure it's worse because my hormones have gone mad, but I just hate how everything hurts.

-----

January 24, 1980

Is it really irresponsible to have a child now? How bad a mother does this make me already?

...later...

I spoke with Alice (who told everyone she's pregnant at the last Order meeting). At least I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

-----

January 25, 1980

James is still calling the baby Jerry. He insists that if it's a girl we can spell it Jerri or Geri. I get it. No Jeremiah.

-----

January 26, 1980

How many more people am I going to have to lose? I'm starting to think it's bad to even meet someone new, because all they're going to do is die.

Maybe it's hormones, but I don't think so. I think I'm snapping. I'm not surprised. Everything is just too much.

...later...

I want this war over.

I want Voldemort gone.

I want my parents to be alive and healthy, and Petunia to be speaking to me.

I want to know my husband is safe at all times.

I want to be blissfully happy with my husband and my baby and not have to worry about anything.

I want everyone to be alive and well.

I want to be free of guilt about what happened to all of those people.

I want to not feel sad about every little thing.

I want to be able to go places on my own without wondering if someone's after me.

I want to have never seen Voldemort.

I want him to never have existed.

I want to start over from scratch.

-----

February 1, 1980

I don't know how anything's going anymore. Maybe I'm overly hormonal, or maybe it's just getting to me. I get to be happy about the baby and then worry about every other little thing, like whether his father is coming home alive tonight. I feel like I'm lying to everyone all the time. I can't balance out the bad things with the good and I don't know how that's affecting me. I can see how it's affecting everyone else. I don't know what to do about any of it and someone writing it out is making it both clearer and more frustrating.

-----

February 8, 1980

No one's heard from Caradoc in two days. He said goodbye while leaving work and disappeared. I know he's dead. We all do, but no one will say it yet.

How far is this all going to go? Who's going to be next? Me? James? Sirius? Alice? Who? He's picking us all off one by one and we can't seem to DO anything about it.

-----

February 20, 1980  
  
We're already speaking of Caradoc in past tense at meetings.

I don't see the point in writing. I think I need to not think for a while.

-----

May 1, 1980

There aren't words. I don't want to hear anything about prophecies. I don't want to hear about how my child may or may not be involved in everything we're trying to keep him away from. It has to be wrong.

-----

May 2, 1980

Am I a horrible person for wanting it to be Alice's that they're talking about?


End file.
